Not With The Ham

“If you’re not laughing, you’re crying…”

For the past few years, this has become my mantra (or trauma response, depending on if you’re talking to my therapist or not). But I believe it is our very nature as humans to process and get through hard times with the help of humor. Bringing it back to the discussion of experiencing conflicting feelings simultaneously, I would argue you HAVE to laugh when things feel so heavy…to lift you out of the darkness even if it’s just for a few moments. For me, it’s usually due to the seemingly never-ending Murphy’s Law type of situation that causes me to pause, contemplate every life choice I’ve ever made, and wonder if I’m on some new, twisted version of Punk’d.

So we laugh. Because what’s the alternative? I don’t mean that to say, “There’s no crying in infertility,” because believe me, countless tears have been shed. What I mean is sometimes you have to just laugh at the absurdity of it all—like the time I was actively experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and in the midst of that chaos, I lost my job. Probably not a great pitch for Netflix’s next original rom-com storyline, but the sheer audacity of this comedy of errors was LAUGHABLE. I also feel that laughing at a traumatic situation is almost like an act of rebellion against the pain intended to be inflicted. It feels like I’m taking the power back in a way that diffuses and deflates its effect on me. And who doesn’t love an opportunity to tell the universe to “suck it”?

So when we started this first round of IVF, I was very meticulous about researching and organizing our medications. It was a lot of inventory, and it all had to be stored in the refrigerator. I was describing this endeavor to my high school bestie Marco Polo group when I uttered a phrase I never thought I would ever say in my whole life: “We decided to make this giant ham for the two of us, and now it’s taking up half of our damn fridge. Ugh. So anyway, I’ve got all the meds organized and put away…BUT NOT WITH THE HAM!” It’s so dumb and ridiculous and to be honest, it’s really one of those “you had to be there” types of funny moments, but for me this was HYSTERICAL. Here I am dealing with this very big, very scary, very overwhelming thing, and I’m worried about giving my meds their own VIP fridge space for fear of cross-contamination with a spiral-cut ham. Again, the absurdity of it all. L.O.L.

But in the hard moments of this process, it’s nice to have bits of levity…like the time my husband had to give me my first injection and (for some reason) decided to do it while on one knee like a marriage proposal or as if there were an injury on the field and almost fell over (and gave me a gnarly bruise) in the process…or the time I had to give myself an injection and had to FaceTime my best friend to hype me up while she was driving and I was redfaced-crying and dancing around my bathroom wielding a syringe…or the time I got two injections in one night and later called my husband when I noticed I somehow had acquired three injection marks, to which he casually replied, “Oh yeah, I think I accidentally poked you before I did the first one. My bad.”

Sometimes we laugh in the moment. Sometimes we laugh in hindsight. Sometimes we laugh to keep from crying. Tough times will continue to find ways into our lives at one point or another, so we must continue to find ways to laugh—to put that trauma on the shelf if only for a few moments…just not with the ham. ;)

Losing Control

“Control Freak”

This is a term I bestowed upon myself for years, but lately, it has grown to give me the “ick.” I mean, is it human to want to be in control of your life and the goings-on within it to an extent? Sure. Is it possible to perhaps take that a little too far? Also yes.

For instance, I didn’t drink (or get drunk, I should say) for the first time until I was almost 22 (and even that was unintentional…but that’s another story for another time). I don’t say this to demonstrate the lamest flex of all time but rather to illustrate how unwilling I was to not be fully in control of my person. If you’re a parent (and more specifically my parents, lol), this may sound like a green-flag situation…and without context, you wouldn’t be wrong. But the problem, at least for me, is that the control I so desperately seek is fully and completely rooted in fear—fear of the unknown, fear of repercussion, fear of failure.

I’ve always been an overly-cautious person. I evaluate and then reevaluate the risks, and if at any point I feel as though I won’t be able to manage the situation—or at the very least be able to remove myself from the situation—then 99.9% of the time I’m just not going to partake. Granted my general anxiety definitely plays a role in this as well, but it all usually comes back to my need to be in control. And when you’re faced with a situation, like infertility, that removes all aspects of control, it absolutely rocks you to your very core.

Because even in the pursuit of medical interventions—whether it’s medications, IUI, or IVF—the first thing a fertility doctor will tell you is that there are no guarantees. You can’t control how your body responds, you can’t control potential monkey wrenches, and you can’t control the outcome. So not only was I being faced with the circumstance of having no control over my body in the way of reproduction, but I also was about to embark on a (painful and expensive) journey with the full disclosure that I would have zero control over what the end result would be…and that terrified me.

But as I often say, multiple feelings can (and should) exist at once…and as soon as I grieved the fact that we get to have to pursue IVF, I was met with a strange sense of relief. I didn’t realize just how (mentally, physically, emotionally) exhausting it was to hold on to an idea or plan so tightly, paired with the constant mapping out of every logistical detail and risk analysis. I’m slowly learning that there’s something almost freeing in relinquishing control and a level of peace knowing I’ve done (or am doing) all that I can do in regard to the little control I do have.

Don’t get me wrong…it still kills me that this is our path and that there’s nothing I can do to change it, but one thing I can control is my attitude and my perspective in this endeavor. So I am choosing to just take it one day at a time and focusing more on what I’m gaining and less on what I’m losing: a revelatory life lesson, a new form of resilience, and—hopefully—a baby.

I Get To Have To

IVF. Oof.

After 2.5 years of actively trying (and failing), we were finally faced with this next step. A year earlier in one of my therapy sessions where we were discussing our infertility struggles, my therapist asked me if we were open to the idea of pursuing IVF, and I immediately shut it down with a firm “absolutely not.” She looked at me somewhat surprised, and I, too, found myself quite taken aback by my knee-jerk response. It was a perfectly fair question considering our many attempts with various medications, three failed IUI’s, and two naturally-conceived miscarriages. But for some reason, I found just the thought of IVF absurd and promptly dismissed it. And after unpacking that with myself and with my therapist, I think it was because a part of me felt that by pursuing IVF, I was giving up—having to admit that my body had failed me…failed us…and we truly could not make this happen on our own.

And when I say “giving up,” it sounds silly considering the act of pursuing IVF in and of itself means quite the opposite. I guess what I mean is that it felt like I was having to give up this idea of what I thought our path to parenthood would look like…my dream of how we would expand our family and all that goes with it would be just that…a dream. It was a reality that I was struggling to accept. More than struggling if I’m being honest. It was yet another thing I had to grieve in this journey to motherhood, and as it tends to do, with that grief came so. much. anger.

I had been grappling with all of these feelings for weeks, trying (and failing) to pinpoint the axis of all of these emotions I was experiencing enough to articulate them. It made me begin to wonder if I really had any reason to be this upset. I mean, we were fortunate enough to have made and saved quite a bit of money the past year to where we could afford this option. Aside from the fertility issues, I was in good health and a good candidate for IVF. And although being unemployed is normally not ideal, for our situation it allowed me the time to actually relax my mind and my body (for the first time in a very long time) and the space to take on this effort fully. Then one night I was having an especially emotional moment while discussing this ordeal with my husband, and it just came out: “I’m so incredibly grateful that we get to do this…but I’m so fucking angry that we have to.”

And that was it. That one sentence perfectly encapsulated every emotion that I’ve felt throughout this entire journey and why I was resisting this next step so hard. Then the guilt comes—guilt over the fact that we have the opportunity and privilege of this option when it’s so far out of reach for so many, and yet…I’m still furious that this is our circumstance. But then I’m reminded that as humans we are a spectrum of emotions that can and do coexist: we can be sad and also laugh…we can grieve and also have hope…we can be angry and also be grateful. We must.

I don’t subscribe to the sentiment that time heals all wounds, but I do believe it gives us perspective. Now that I’ve had time to process this next step and move through the anger, I’m ready to take it. And I’m going to take the advice of the ever-enlightening Elyse Myers and her fresh take on the Nike slogan: “Just do it scared. Just do it anxious. Just do it overwhelmed.” I am going to just do it angry…and that’s ok. Because all that matters is that I’m going to do it. For myself. For my family. For this little life that deserves to be fought for. And dammit…fight I will.

When the Work Pays Off

“Shape yourself before the world shapes you.”

— Mahyar Mottahed

I was taking a morning stroll through my neighborhood last fall, my mind racing with chaotic thoughts surrounding my new life circumstances (which were equally chaotic), when I stopped for a moment to take a much-needed *deep breath*. As I stood there, feeling the warmth of the sunshine on my face, I opened my eyes and took in this massive tree towering over me and noticed something… It was adorned with several large nests that I had never noticed before. Fall had just made its way to us, so the tree had only very recently shed its leaves—of course I hadn’t noticed the nests. How could I?

As I continued to stand there gazing up at this now barren tree, I started to wonder how long it had taken the birds to build their nests. I imagined them scouring the nearby yards and fields, thoughtfully selecting every twig and crafting them with the greatest care and intentionality. All that preparation being done under the cover and protection of the spring leaves and blooms with no one able to witness it. All that hard work in anticipation of the moment when it would finally be needed. And then I realized…

Here I was, facing one of the most world-rocking seasons of my life, and…managing it. Not perfectly, of course, but pretty damn well. I thought about everything that had been thrown my way these past few months like a never-ending hurricane, and I was surviving and—dare I say—thriving? That’s when I made the connection…like the birds, I, too, had been putting in the work.

Four years ago I made one of the greatest decisions of my life—I started therapy. When I made that decision, it wasn’t because something tragic had just happened or I had suffered a mental breakdown (not yet, anyway). I went because I knew I didn’t have all the tips and tools to help me navigate this world when things inevitably get hard. For four years I put in the work. I showed up for myself. I dug deep and grew up and stretched beyond (what I thought were) my limits. I was intentional. I had taken so much care in my own preparation, and now in this wintry season, I was casting off my metaphorical leaves and bringing to light all the hard work I had been diligently and privately doing that had equipped me for this moment. The work was paying off.

In life, the universe gives and the universe takes away. I know I’m not special in that way. None of us escape this life without pain or trauma or hardship. But just as that doesn’t make life any less beautiful, it also doesn’t mean it has to be so arduous. We can put in the work to ease those tough moments and challenging seasons—I’m proof of that.

So if you aren’t doing so already, I hope you take this as an encouragement to do something for your present self that your future self will thank you for. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture or done with an audience, because it’s not for anyone else. It’s for you—and you deserve that. Be intentional. Take care. Build something so strong that it will be able to withstand any stress or storm or season. Know that the fruits of your labor will be so very worth it…and I cannot wait to see the magnificent “nest” you build.

Down for the Count

“…everything looks great…but…”

Here it was. The phone call I had been fearing for so long. Up until this point every scan, ultrasound, blood panel, and test had all come back with positive results…and yet every pregnancy test I took continued to come back negative. It didn’t make sense. You can only be told, “Everything looks great…that’s what we want to see…you’re exactly where we want to be at…” so many times until your stress and anxiety turn into frustration. If everything appears “as it should”, then why isn’t it happening? Then the phone call came…

I could immediately tell by the nurse’s tone that the news wasn’t good—you know, that tone where someone is trying to overcompensate by sounding almost too positive. She said, “Well, we got your bloodwork back, and your levels are good, your thyroid is good, and really everything looks great…but…” I held my breath and braced for the impact. “…we would ideally want your AMH number to be around 1.5 or above…and well…yours is a 0.48.” My heart instantly sank in my chest, and I could feel the tears burning in the corners of my eyes. What the nurse had just told me was my greatest fear—in layman’s terms, my ovarian reserve (egg supply) was significantly diminished. I struggled to hear what she said next…a mix of encouraging words and next steps, I think. I somehow managed to hold it together through the rest of the call, politely thanked her, and then upon hanging up proceeded to enter a full. on. breakdown.

I am someone who admittedly cries often—I cry when I’m sad…when I’m mad…when I’m frustrated… even when I’m happy—and I don’t know that I’ve ever wailed like I did in that moment. It was a validation of my anxiety, the actual manifestation of my greatest fear. After suffering my first miscarriage almost two years ago, those dark (and at the time unfounded) thoughts I had held in the back of my mind since I was a teenager that I would never be able to have children definitely began to fester, but this news felt like confirmation. And compounded with the fact that I just celebrated my 35th birthday, it felt like my window of opportunity for motherhood was shrinking by the second.

But (as my nurses and therapist continue to remind me) it is not hopeless. It may take more meds and tests and procedures and medical intervention, but there is still a chance. And in the throes of the depression and despair that this recent news has caused, that’s what I’m choosing to cling to. I have to. I’ve also realized that part of what I’m feeling is grief—mourning the life I had envisioned for myself…a life that included a “normal” conception and pregnancy…a life where I would possibly even have baby #2 by now. But as that is clearly not the path we were destined for, I am taking heart in the encouraging words of my family and friends—some of whom have fought similar battles—and the confidence of my nurses and doctors.

So, I may be down for the count, but I am most certainly not out. Not yet…

Navigating the Nuance

Like most things in life, today is a complicated day full of dark, light, and all of the nuanced gray…

The lightness comes from the constant presence of the incredible mother I have been so blessed to call mine—a woman who has instilled in me the importance of kindness, grace, empathy, forgiveness, and strength. I celebrate her today and all days.

The darkness comes from the sporadic reminders of loss and the aching absence of my own child—thoughts of how differently my life would look now had things gone another way and anxious uncertainty for the future. I grieve the child that never was and the child that may never be.

But again, as in life, I am learning that those things—the light and the dark…the good and the bad…the celebration and the grief—not only can coexist but MUST. I am also learning, gratefully yet unfortunately, that I am far from alone in this experience.

So those who are being celebrated today, I salute you.

To those who are struggling today, I see you.

And to those who are trying to navigate the nuance of the in between, I stand with you. 🤍 

Get Your Flowers

“Nah, I’m not a flowers and chocolates kind of girl…Valentine’s Day is dumb anyway.”

That was me in my 20’s, and I tear up (and slightly cringe) now thinking back on those times. Because the truth is…I was a flowers and chocolates kind of girl.

In my heart I so desperately wanted to be showered with cutesy, pink-and-red gifts and doted on like all the other girls I saw, but in my mind I thought I had to be different…be “cool” and “not like the other girls.” I was afraid I’d appear “high maintenance” or “needy” or “spoiled” or some other ridiculous thing that I couldn’t handle being associated with.

So instead I quelled my desires and dulled my shine in order to be more palatable to guys, thinking that would somehow make me more attractive to whomever I was with. But then that type of behavior festered and seeped into various facets of my life…

I found myself going along with things I didn’t actually want to do in fear of being “disagreeable” or “difficult”… At times I could almost physically feel myself shrinking to fit whatever mold seemed most appropriate for the occasion/person. The fear of being “too much” or (god forbid) not enough for someone was too much for 20-something me to handle.

But not anymore.

If my 30’s (and 3 years of therapy) have taught me anything, it’s that it’s not only okay to be your full self, it’s necessary. Ask for what you need and want. Let people know how you feel. Make your voice heard.

If I could tell younger me anything, it would that it doesn’t matter if others think you’re “extra” or “ridiculous”…you are worthy and deserving and enough.

And that goes for you, too.

If you want flowers, get all the flowers. If you want the cheesy box of chocolates, ask for them. Whether it’s from your bae or from yourself, you deserve to be and feel loved, fully. And if you genuinely aren’t a flowers-and-chocolates gal or are anti-Valentine’s Day in general, that’s cool, too! Just as long as that’s who you truly are and you’re not trying to be “too much” for someone else.

Because as a wise woman once said (err, sang?)… “If I’m too much, go find less.” 😘

Maybe Next Year...

As I sit here taking in this beautiful, cool spring Sunday morning (which is a true anomaly here in mid-May Alabama), it seems almost offensive to be anything but joyous and at peace—and yet, here I am...crying into my coffee...where not even the warmth of the sun nor the coolness of the breeze are enough to dry my tears. Grief is strange in that way.

And even though I had anticipated these hard feelings today, it still doesn't ease the pain of what feels like a whole day dedicated to reminding me of something I am so desperately longing for and fear will never come. A social media feed full of sweet messages and pictures that makes me smile while simultaneously breaking my heart. And logically I know that this day is not a personal attack or some crazy conspiracy to get me down, but again...grief is strange in that way.

But I am also incredibly grateful for the many amazing women I have in my life who also happen to be phenomenal mothers and have taught and inspired me more than they'll probably ever know and who deserve to be celebrated today (and let's be honest, EVERY day). And of course, the pièce de résistance of motherhood (IMO), my mother, who truly should have a holiday dedicated to her alone. I cannot emphasize enough how impactful the women in my life have been on the woman I have become (and am still becoming) and the mother I hope to become someday. I love them...I respect them...I envy them. Grief is strange in that way.

Through this journey of infertility, I am learning every day just how complex we are as humans in our emotional capacities. Sadness and happiness can coexist. Joy and sorrow can coexist. Gratitude and jealousy can coexist. They can coexist because they must coexist. We have to allow ourselves permission and the space to process all of these feelings without guilt or shame, knowing that there is no wrong way to feel and no one emotion that defines us or a particular moment in our lives.

So as I take this gorgeous spring morning to process my feelings and sit in my sadness, I know that these feelings are not permanent and do not define me or this day...because tonight I will be genuinely and happily celebrating my sweet mama. I recognize that others also find today to be tough due to the loss of their own mothers or a strained relationship, and I don't ever want to take the time or the relationship that I have with her for granted.

If you are a mama, know that I am celebrating you.

If you have lost your mama/child or have a strained relationship, know that I am thinking of you.

If you, too, are struggling with infertility, know that I see you.

I don't know if I believe in speaking things into existence, but just in case: here's to celebrating Mother's Day 2022 as we had hoped we would be celebrating this year...as mothers.

This One's for the Girls

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

― Anaïs Nin

Although it's been said many times and in many ways, I don't believe it can really be stated enough: this past year has been HARD. A year full of loss, fear, uncertainty, chaos, and distance. Even this introvert has felt the heaviness and pain of that distance and isolation. I have never been more grateful for my amazing husband and the opportunity to safely spend time with some of our immediate family but in all honesty...I miss my friends.

I miss Girls' Nights Out and wine night get-togethers and weekend coffee dates and random road trips and just being together—laughing, venting, crying, sharing ideas, and spilling all the tea. Sure, we still have group chats and Zooms and FaceTime, but nothing can fully replace being together under one roof. I miss the hugs and cheersing and high-fives—all of it. BUT...even with the distance and separation, the women in my life have still somehow managed to save me.

It's easy for us to focus on all the terrible things 2020 brought (and continues to bring) us, but it has also personally brought me a deep appreciation for all the wonderful things (mainly people) I have in my life. These women—in spite of their own personal struggles in the midst of this shit-show we are currently referring to as "life"—have encouraged me, checked in on me, loved on me, uplifted me, and inspired me in ways that still leave me in awe. The ability to continually pour into others, even when you yourself feel mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually depleted, I believe is a characteristic that is so specific to women, and I continue to be amazed by it.

“My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges.”

— Helen Keller

I'll admit that when I was younger, I didn't have many serious female friendships. Hell, my mother had to basically bribe me to even go through my college sorority recruitment, because I had ZERO desire to expand my tiny female-friend universe (but I am oh-so-thankful she did). I am so lucky to have some incredible men in my life, but the older I have gotten, the more I realize that it has been the women and female relationships in my life that have truly shaped me into the woman I am today and continue to evolve into. From family members to besties...coworkers to mentors...acquaintances to those I admire from afar, they have all made a lasting impact on me in big and small ways.

So if you are a woman in my life reading this—regardless of how close we may or may not be—please know that I see you, I respect you, I appreciate you, and I thank you. And especially during this past year, whether you provided me with career opportunities, offered kind words of encouragement during my darkest days, made me belly-laugh when I needed it most, supported me and my passions, or allowed a safe space for me to be myself, I am forever grateful. Although still very much flawed, I am most certainly a product of all the phenomenal women around me, and I hope that from now on when you look at me, you will see that glimmer of yourself that is now a part of me reflected back.

“Women understand. We may share experiences, make jokes, paint pictures, and describe humiliations that mean nothing to men, but women understand. The odd thing about these deep and personal connections of women is that they often ignore barriers of age, economics, worldly experience, race, culture — all the barriers that, in male or mixed society, had seemed so difficult to cross.”

— Gloria Steinem

The First, But Not the Last

“... Because every little girl watching tonight sees that this is a country of possibilities. And to the children of our country—regardless of your gender—our country has sent you a clear message: dream with ambition, lead with conviction, and see yourselves in a way that others may not simply because they've never seen it before, but know that we will applaud you every step of the way.”

— Kamala Harris

It has been a long four years, friends. I think anyone—regardless of which way you lean or how you cast your vote—would agree with at least that. The division, the drama, and the deliberate attacks on our democracy have shaken our country to its very core, which when added to the dumpster fire that was 2020, has simultaneously numbed us to the point where we don't even bat an eye when we see "cocaine hippos" scroll across our timelines. It has been a struggle for me (and I'm sure many others) to find and hold on to moments of significant joy in the seemingly never-ending chaos and calamity. But on this day—January 20, 2021, the 59th Inaugural Ceremony—something so monumental occurred that it transcends political party or partisan divides...we watched the first-ever woman (and first Black and South Asian American and daughter of an immigrant) inaugurated as Vice President of these United States.

It's true we've heard it said countless times by the media and political talking heads since November, but like many things this past year, the turmoil that was 2020 essentially sucked the life out of what would be (and should have been) a momentous occasion. Through the prolonged election results to the fraud-proclaiming conspiracies to the violent insurrection at the Capitol, we were never really given the time to fully soak in this incredible milestone. 230 years and 48 Vice Presidents later, we have finally been given the chance to say the words: "MADAM Vice President." And I know for myself that truly didn't hit me until I watched Kamala Devi Harris raise her right hand as she took her oath of office. I felt immense pride as though I knew her personally. I also felt tremendous sorrow—not only because it took this long for a woman to ascend to the second-highest office in the land, but also because neither I nor the rest of the country could celebrate it the way in which it so rightfully deserved. But mostly...I felt significant, exuberant joy.

“...this is a collective win for womankind.”

Joy in witnessing history being made. Joy in embracing a new day and a turning point in our country. Joy in celebrating a woman stepping into her power, and thereby empowering all women and girls to step into their own power. Joy in knowing that if I'm fortunate enough to have children, they will never know a world where a woman cannot serve as Vice President of the United States. Joy in never again being able to say, “A woman can’t…” because she did. Because WE did. From the sacrifices of the women who came before her to the women whose shoulders she stands upon and who paved the way to the White House to the women (especially WOC) who fought and advocated and voted for us to finally arrive at this moment with our own custom-made seat at the head of the table...this is a collective win for womankind.

Like many things in this country, we have come a long way but still have such a long way to go. I am not foolish enough to believe that one candidate or one administration or one historic moment can mend all the things our country needs to repair, and I am committing myself—as I hope you will too—to continuing to do the necessary work and hold this administration accountable. But I also hope that you will join me in taking a moment to fully experience the joy in her becoming the first, but more so the joy in knowing that she will most certainly not be the last.

The Breaking Point

“2020 has been my best and most favorite year yet!”

— No one, EVER

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that 2020 has been an absolute dumpster fire for most of us—I know it certainly has been for me.

Even putting aside my own personal issues, it feels like each day is worse than the one before. It's like as soon as we catch our breath from one catastrophe, another one comes along and knocks the wind right back out of us. I think that's part of what has made this year so hard—the relentlessness of it all. We have far surpassed #thestruggleisreal and seem to have advanced to a level I'm now referring to as #SWEETBABYJESUSWHENWILLTHISNIGHTMAREEND. I've had several people over the past few months ask me, "How do you do it? How are you keeping it together?!" The truth is...I'm not. I've had bouts of anxiety-induced sleep paralysis. I've had days where I hardly moved from one spot. I've cried and cursed more this year than I have the past five years combined—and for anyone who knows me, you know that's saying something. Real talk: when I got the news of RBG's passing, I legitimately laid on my living room floor for three hours and sobbed. A tad dramatic? Sure. But that's because—unbeknownst to me—I was just about to arrive to this week's final destination...my breaking point.

As most of you know, I co-host a weekly show called Alabama Politics This Week. On the show, we obviously discuss topics involving politics and current events, which you can imagine in this god-forsaken year has been an absolute treat. Normally I'm able to keep it together through the hour'ish it takes to film the show. But yesterday...yesterday was the first day where the topics we discussed fully triggered my (already elevated) anxiety. Thinking and talking about the loss of RBG and Breonna Taylor and 200,000+ Americans dead from COVID and the pure chaos that will undoubtedly ensue in November and the wannabe-dictator megalomaniac in the White House just...honestly broke me. It was as if each thought was causing a small spark inside my brain and I could feel myself imploding right there in slow motion and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had finally succumbed to the weight of everything that 2020 had thrown my way and just let is wash over me like a tidal wave. But also like a tidal wave, that initial sense of drowning was immediately followed by a sense of calm. And I realized that—just like you—I'm still here.

So whether you're angry, cynical, frustrated, somber, scared, or any combination of those things, that's okay. We are all in survival mode at this point and sometimes just getting through the day is a victory. So if you've made it through this day and you're reading this right now, please let me be the first to remind you that YOU ARE DOING A FUCKING GREAT JOB.

And if you need to, take break. Feel those feelings. Take care of yourself. But then come back. Because we have to keep pushing forward. We have to keep fighting the good fight. There's too much at stake to give up now.

I always want to be honest and transparent here. Most days are tough, and nine times out of ten I'm driving the Hot Mess Express. So I promise you are not alone in your feelings, whatever they may be. It's crazy out there, and we still have three more months of this shitshow of a year. But we will make it through. So far we've survived 100% of our worst days...and I like those odds.

The Audacity of Misogyny

“I ask no favor for my sex; all I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.”

— Ruth Bader Ginsburg

There have been several stories in the news lately with headlines spanning from women being told they're "too ambitious" to run for office, having derogatory comments made about their bodies, and being publicly accosted and called profane names by their male peers. It was even the main topic of discussion on our most recent episode of Alabama Politics This Week. But any woman existing in the world today will tell you this is nothing new. I certainly cannot tell you the number of times I have personally been name-called, objectified, belittled, or dismissed by men throughout my life.

And it starts early with the objectifying (and creepy) Little Miss beauty pageants and constantly hearing, "You (fill in the blank) like a girl!" as an insult. Then we begin to upgrade to the, "She was asking for it" and "Don't be a slut but don't be a prude" misogynistic adages until we finally reach the peak of the patriarchy at income inequality, assumed gender roles, and—my personal favorite—"Women are too emotional/dramatic/crazy/overly-sensitive/weak/etc. to do X-Y-Z." If we aren't wearing a full face of makeup, we're criticized for our flaws...but when we post a selfie of us feeling ourselves, we're "shallow" and "vain". If we're smiling at you, we're "asking to be approached or engaged with"...but if we're not smiling, we have "resting bitch face" (or as I like to call it—A FACE). If we choose to not work, we're called "lazy" or "gold diggers'...but if we try to excel in our careers, we're called "overly ambitious" or just a classic "bitch". I could go on, but I think I've made my point here...

Chances are you have been affected by or observed these incidents at some point in your life. And in many conversations I've had with other women, it's not until we get deep into the discussion of our experiences that we even realize how many times we have been the victim of misogynistic behavior. And that right there may be the worst of it all—the fact that misogyny is so deeply ingrained into the fibers of our society that we often don't even recognize it for what it is at first glance.

Sometimes it is subtle and indirect—like an offhand comment or "joke". But subtlety does not negate the validity of the harm that is caused by this type of behavior. Sometimes it is brazen and straightforward—like an elected official making public derogatory statements regarding another elected official's body. And although I could speak (read: rant) on this subject for days, herein lies the bulk of my anger and frustration: the AUDACITY of misogyny.

“And that right there may be the worst of it all—the fact that misogyny is so deeply ingrained into the fibers of our society that we often don't even recognize it for what it is at first glance.”

There are a million examples I could use, but for the sake of the length of this post (and the fact that this dude is, unfortunately, my representative) I am going to discuss the incident involving AL State Board of Education District 8 Rep., Wayne Reynolds, and his public comments regarding Governor Kay Ivey. For those unfamiliar with the incident, I am referring to, during a recent press conference where Gov. Ivey was addressing the state in regards to the extension of the Safer at Home order, Mr. Reynolds made a comment on the Facebook live stream of that press conference stating, "She is gaining weight." When asked about this comment by a reporter from AL.com he doubled (tripled??) down on it by saying, "She looked heavy in that white suit, yes. I don’t know what she weighs, I don’t know how much she weighs, I just made an observation. It wasn’t derogatory, it was an observation. I’ve seen her wear other pantsuits that were more slimming on her. When she came out [for the announcement], that suit made her look heavy. There was a lady in pink that came out before her that looked quite slim."

*takes slow, meditative breath* There are so many levels to this statement that I have to break it down into bite-sized pieces... First and foremost, her body/appearance/weight (or that of any woman) is none of his or anyone else's business. Secondly, she (nor any other woman) does not owe it to him or anyone else to appear "slim" or whatever he believes to be a "more favorable" appearance. His comments also insinuate that there is something inherently wrong with being heavier or gaining weight (which is problematic at best in and of itself, but I will have to save that rant for another time). Additionally, he appears to objectify another woman albeit with a less negative connotation, but I must reiterate that does not negate the validity of the harm that is caused by this type of behavior.

But the crux of the matter is how publicly and nonchalantly he made these comments—how emboldened and entitled he felt to do so—and towards the Governor of our state and an elected official of his own party for that matter. That can only leave one to speculate how he interacts with and speaks about women in his day to day life. But again, neither he nor this occurrence is a rarity. We know these incidents too well and too often because too many men just like him have engaged in this type of behavior without impunity for far too long. And the offense is often compounded by weak-ass apologies and/or the use of their relationships with women in their lives as some kind of Captain America-style Sexism Shield (i.e. "I have a wife/daughter/mother/sister/aunt/etc. that I love and respect so much."). Let me be abundantly clear: If you only respect women with whom you have a relationship or find attractive, or if that respect is based on a woman's relationship to other men (i.e. "She's someone's wife/daughter/mother/sister/aunt/etc."), YOU. DO. NOT. RESPECT. WOMEN. So please miss me with any and ALL of that.

“Sometimes it is subtle and indirect—like an offhand comment or "joke". But subtlety does not negate the validity of the harm that is caused by this type of behavior.”

Are there times when the offender is genuinely unaware that their behavior or comments are inherently sexist or misogynistic? Sure. But that doesn't make it any less problematic or wrong. And that is why it is imperative that we call out this behavior when we experience it or observe it. The greater call to action though is for men to start taking accountability and viewing their behaviors and the effects thereof through a different lens. To the men—I challenge you to be more critical in terms of how you speak to and about women... Is it relative to the topic at hand? Could it be perceived as harmful or sexist? Would you say/do it to a male peer? To continue to disregard and excuse this type of behavior or chalk it up to "just a silly/dumb comment" and not call it out for what it is—MISOGYNY—is to be complicit in and perpetuate the behavior.

But as upsetting and infuriating as this issue is, these stories are also showing us that this behavior is becoming tolerated less and less. And although I cannot speak on behalf of an entire generation of women, may I be so audacious to say that misogynists and those who worship at the altar of the patriarchy have officially been put on notice. Of course I don't mean that to be derogatory...just an observation.

The Social Distancing Diaries

We keep hearing it over and over again, and I know we are feeling it also: these are historic and unprecedented times we are in. In my short 33 years, the only points of reference I have are 9/11 and the 2008-2009 recession...and it feels like those two things combined and multiplied to the nth degree. This is one of those moments in time that will be written about in history books...that we will tell our grandchildren about...that will affect how we see and move through the world for the rest of our lives—The Pandemic of 2020.

I started jokingly tweeting about my #SocialDistancingDiaries, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of keeping a "digital diary" during this time to help process my feelings, to bring a little levity to these uncertain times, and to look back on years from now. (Or for some alien civilization to find in case this whole thing goes to hell in a handbasket and life as we know it ceases to exist. I kid, I kid.) This will just be my personal experience with a little bit of outside news sprinkled in. I'll continue to update this weekly as it goes on, so feel free to check back in every now and then. And if you feel like it, leave a comment below and share your personal experiences during this bizarre time!

MARCH 14TH - DAY 1:

Okay, it's starting to feel unsettling. Maybe it's because yesterday was Friday the 13th? Although every day this year has kind of felt like Friday the 13th, honestly. I think today needs to be the day that we start quarantining. The groceries have been bought and a new water filter has been purchased. All that's left now is a manicure...because #priorities. [Yesterday they announced the first known cases of COVID-19 in AL (6), declared a state of emergency, and shut down schools until April 6]

MARCH 15TH - DAY 2:

So I've been trying to find new shows to watch during this quarantine downtime, and I just discovered 'Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist'. I'm overjoyed, because it's filling this gigantic GLEE-sized hole in my heart. But I'm also pissed at everyone I know for letting me sleep on this show for this long. *resumes binge*

MARCH 16TH - DAY 3:

I think I'm going to take advantage of this time and do a lot of self-care. I wonder how many face masks are too many in a day?And this will be a great opportunity to get back to meal-prepping and doing some at-home workouts! I'm going to come out of this quarantine in the best shape of my life!

MARCH 17TH - DAY 4:

The sun is finally out! You don't realize how much you need and appreciate fresh air and sunshine until you're literally confined to your house. Taking the pup for lots of walks, which is great for both of our mental health and moods.

Speaking of mental health, I did leave the house to visit my therapist, but it's a small office and we practiced responsible social distancing and disinfecting. My anxiety and I have never been more thankful to have an angel of a therapist than right now. Oh, and for the record...Vanessa Hudgens is trash and has always been trash.

MARCH 18TH - DAY 5:

First day doing the radio show with "social distancing" in mind. Instead of driving into the station, they just had me call in and participate in the conversation. Which was wonderful. But now I'm wondering...why the hell have I been driving my ass all the way to Athens this whole time?

This afternoon I received an email from my gym informing me that it will be providing access to Les Mills on-demand classes at no additional cost until further notice! Now just waiting for a follow-up email that has some motivation attached.

Also, today the hubs learned he would need to file for unemployment, as he literally cannot do his job with everything being shut down. But worse than that...he just went to the store to get #QuarantineSnacks, and for my "sweet snack" he brought me back...pop tarts?? POP TARTS. But not regular pop tarts, no…BLUEBERRY pop tarts. We may not survive this after all. [Today the AL Runoff Elections were officially postponed until July 14]

MARCH 19TH - DAY 6:

Today I recorded audio of my TV show at the radio station (because the show must go on, right?); suffered an insane stress headache (or a hangover from last night’s wine...who knows....I’m not a doctor); and screamed at my TV when “breaking news” ruined an entire episode of Jeopardy!—so I guess you could say I'm thriving.

MARCH 20TH - DAY 7:

We have officially survived Week 1 of #QuarantineLife. And because all we've basically been doing is looking at screens for the past week, hubs and I opted to have a screen-free date night. After spending an hour of trying to figure out what that means or looks like, we decided to bust out of our bubble and brave the rain and the 'rona by going to Walmart to find a game or two that would be fun for two people. They were closed...it was 8:30PM. Driving back to the house and seeing how dark and empty all of the parking lots and streets and businesses were on a Friday night made it sink in a little deeper and feel a little more real. Thankfully Sonic's drive-thru was still open, so we settled on some ice cream, adult beverages, and a bunch of card games that neither of us had played in years. We listened to music and talked and laughed, and it was everything that my soul needed in these weird-ass times. And I have never been more thankful for this quarantine partner of mine. [In AL, the total number of confirmed cases has now surpassed 100 (106).]

MARCH 21ST- DAY 8:

Well, today I baked, cooked dinner, (willingly) talked on the phone for a full hour, AND cleaned my kitchen…twice. So basically I’ve officially reached the “who the f**k am I even?” phase a lot sooner than anticipated. Oh, and that whole Day 3 idea of "coming out of this quarantine in the best shape of my life!" Yeah...that was a nice thought... *resumes eating third ice cream sandwich*

MARCH 22ND - DAY 9:

People are starting to do all of these “tag 10 people challenge” posts where they are tagging friends on social media to see what they're doing, how they're handling quarantine, and asking them to share pics of their cute pets. I’m truly loving all of these posts to help us feel more seen and connected to one another…but I put out a warning that if any of these assholes tag me in the "push-up challenge", I’m blocking their ass. That’s just rude.Oh, and for the record...Sen. Rand Paul is trash and has always been trash. [In AL, the total number of confirmed cases has reached 150.]

MARCH 23RD - DAY 10:

The new DOOM game was released today, and I wonder how many relationships this is currently saving? I'm also realizing that this quarantine means that my 45-supporting relatives now have pleeenty of downtime to troll my posts. Sweet 6lb 8oz baby Jesus, give me strength.

Also also...reeaally wishing we had bought more toilet paper...

MARCH 24TH - DAY 11:

(AKA "The day I had to actually look at a calendar to know what day it is") In our house today…Working human (me) got out of bed at 7:45 AM; Non-working human (hubs) got out of bed at 9:45 AM; The freeloader (the pup) got out of bed at 10:45 AM. They’re both so very lucky they’re cute.

Also had my first "Telehealth" appointment with my therapist (which is what we will continue to do until further notice), and I again am feeling so incredibly thankful to have her during these tough times. [Birmingham issued a stay-at-home order (as a 24-hour curfew) effective March 24 to April 3.]

Oh, and thanking the Universe for Tim Send. #HashtagTheCowboy

MARCH 25TH - DAY 12:

Today I decided to start my own challenge. In spite of the chaos and uncertainty happening in the world right now (and my elevated levels of stress and anxiety), I am choosing to shift my focus to one of the few things I do have control over—my perspective. So I decided to create this challenge not only for myself but also to encourage others to focus on and share what they're grateful for over the next 7 days.

Today was also my baby brother's 31st birthday. Since he lives in Indy and my family is practicing proper social distancing, we decided to set up a virtual birthday get-together via Zoom with my brother's household, our household, and my mom's household...and I have truly not laughed til I cried like that in so long (mostly due to us spending the first 10 minutes trying to explain to my mom that she needed to hold the phone waaay further away from her face, and then her finally getting frustrated by not knowing how to turn it off and just shutting her phone in drawer...with the Zoom still on. LOL). I miss my family so much, but I'm so thankful for today's technology.

Oh, and I sent an open letter to my elected officials via Resistbot urging them to ACT NOW by issuing a "shelter-in-place" for the state of Alabama. (You can imagine how well that didn't work.) [In AL, the total number of confirmed cases jumped to 386 from 219. The number of people tested is 2,812. The first death in the state is reported in Jackson County. Tuscaloosa issued a city-wide curfew, lasting from 10:00 PM until 5:00 AM each day, effective March 27 to April 3.]

MARCH 26TH - DAY 13:

In a press conference today, Governor Ivey said that she would not issue a "shelter-in-place" order. She was quoted as saying, "Y’all, we are not Louisiana, we are not New York state, we are not California…Right now is not the time to order people to shelter-in-place." Meanwhile, it has been reported that from March 22-26, 59,783 Alabamians filed for unemployment, as well as 500 cases of COVID-19. So while we're talking about "things we're not," you, Gov'nah Meemaw, are in fact NOT a good leader.

Silver-lining was having a delightful (virtual) happy hour on my back patio with some of my fave women and a large tequila drink. My soul is feeling restored once again. I miss my friends.

MARCH 27TH - DAY 14:

(AKA "the day that my husband threatened to cut me off from our Amazon account") If this in fact happens, I will consider it an act of war and therefore cannot be held responsible for the repercussions. #TheyMayTakeAwayOurLivesButTheyllNeverTakeOurPrime

Since we had officially survived our second week in quarantine, we decided to call a truce and ended up having a really lovely "quarantine date night". He cooked some bomb-ass steaks, and we queued up "Tiger King" on Netflix. On a related note: WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!

MARCH 28TH - DAY 15:

Anyone who knows me knows that I am no cook/baker, nor do I aspire to be such. (Which may seem strange for someone who loves few things more than eating) But since this #quarantinelife has begun, I have managed to successfully cook some meals like chicken parm and Asian stir fry, but today...today I reached what will most certainly be the pinnacle of my cooking/baking mastery: I made a delicious, grandma-approved banana nut bread from scratch! Even the hubs liked it, and that's truly saying a lot. So now I'm just stress-eating this bread and waiting for Food Network to holla at me and green-light my new baking show. [Gov. Ivey still refuses to issue a Shelter-in-Place order, because of course.]

MARCH 29TH - DAY 16:

Going into this third week of social distancing, and this weather is truly saving my mood and my soul. Our backyard has always been one of my favorite parts of our home, but I have never truly appreciated it until now. To be able to just sit outside and work or enjoy a cup of coffee while listening to the birds chirp and watching the squirrels build their nests has been an unexpected joy these days. There's just something about a beautiful, calm Sunday morning that makes you believe that everything really will be okay...

Another highlight from today: I got to have a (wine-filled) Zoom call with some of my dearest, OG friends from high school, and it was most definitely good for my soul. I love my people.

MARCH 30TH - DAY 17:

Since this quarantine time, days are starting to run together. (I think I read somewhere that they've completely done away with the traditional week, and now it is just "yesterday", "today", and "tomorrow") But for those of us who are (very fortunately) still working, Mondays are still kind of a bummer. So today, the hubs and I took my lunch break to explore this little hidden gem near our home called Beaverdam Boardwalk. It was a great way to get some fresh air, be in nature, and break up the day in a different and spontaneous way. (10/10 recommend)

Again...hitting Week 3 of quarantine over the weekend here at House Handback, and honestly, it’s been harder trying to stay upbeat. The gorgeous weather has certainly made a difference, but music has always been something that’s helped cheer me up, forced me to have a good cry, and made me dance til I drop it too low. (#thisis30) One of the things I loved most about being a spin instructor was getting to make themed playlists for my rides, so I thought this was a fantastic opportunity to curate my own PANDEMIC PLAYLIST. I'm normally not one to toot my own horn, but uhh...*toot toot, y'all*

MARCH 31ST - DAY 18:

AKA March 867 (Seriously...has this felt like the longest month literally ever or what?!) I'm clearly starting to lose it, because I have found myself down a rabbit hole of cutesy survey FB posts and "this or that" IG stories. Ugh. Even I'm starting to become annoyed by myself.

I had a virtual appointment with my therapist, which again is a privilege in and of itself. We talked about how I was coping during these trying times, and I told her that in spite of my anxiety disorder, I'm actually doing fairly well...and I think it's because I feel like having had anxiety for as long as I can remember, I'm feeling some sort of weird comfort that the rest of the world seems to have caught up with me/is now on my level. Obviously, I don't wish for that or this stupid pandemic, but I think that may be what's keeping my anxiety from spiraling. (That and therapy + CBD gummies) I told her I was trying to stay focused on the positive, and she commended me for that but also reminded me that's okay—nay, encouraged—to still allow myself to feel those sad/scary/heavy feelings. And with that sage advice, I had the hardest, most cathartic cry I've had in a long time. Still trying to celebrate the little joys in life, but also remembering (especially in this scary time) that it's okay not to be okay.

I did learn a new survival skill today though...I successfully removed my SNS polish and gave myself an old-fashioned manicure. I'M A SURVIVOR, Y'ALL.

APRIL 1ST - DAY 19:

Gotta be honest...today I was on the lookout for any jackwagon who thought it would be cute to actually participate in April Fools' Day today. No sign of one yet, fortunately. I think we can all agree that April Fools' Day is canceled this year.

Oh, and the hubs’ #quarantinecrazies are in full force. So many silly/goofy antics followed by him (very dramatically) exclaiming: “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” Really empathizing with all my friends with small children right now.

I also may have taken my therapist's advice a little too much to heart. I may or may not have watched this video 20+ times and spent half my day lip-syncing along while sobbing at my desk. I'm fine. Really...I'm fine.

But to end this on a high note, today was the day that we found out Chipotle now delivers to our house. Our lives will never be the same again. [In AL, COVID-19 cases reached 1,000 cases, according to the ADPH. 24 total deaths were reported with 17 confirmed. Still no Shelter-in-Place order has been issued.]

APRIL 2ND - DAY 20:

AKA The first day ya girl has put on real pants during this quarantine time. (Verdict is in: buttons/zippers are most definitely for the birds. #teamelasticwaistbands)

We're still recording the audio version of Alabama Politics This Week (because the show must go on, right?), and today I got to do my first solo interview with ADP Chairman, Rep. Chris England. I'm still battling severe anxiety and Impostor Syndrome, as well as trying to build my confidence. Writing is so much easier for me. This audio/visual medium with one-takes and time restraints honestly sucks. Trying to give myself grace, but this paired with the weight of now living in The Upside Down is feeling heavier and heavier.

Also today Governor Meemaw did a Twitter Q&A that she will undoubtedly regret based on the responses I'm seeing. The support for a Shelter-in-Place order seems to be incredibly (and semi-shockingly) bipartisan, and yet she STILL refuses to commit to it, stating: "Each state has to weigh their own set of factors. I’m in communication with local, state & federal officials on a daily basis. We are taking a measured approach to keep Alabamians healthy, safe & working, wherever possible." I had some feelings about that...Like, lots of feelings...

My super cute co-worker is really helping to keep my spirits up though. (Although she can be kind of a bitch sometimes...)

APRIL 3RD - DAY 21:

Holy hell. Three full weeks. I honestly wasn't sure if we were going to make it to this point. But here we are. Today was kind of a shitty day at the office, but again...at least I was able to make my back patio my "office" for the day. My heart has also been panged by empathy and guilt this week. Hearing these stories from friends and loved ones (and even strangers) who are really feeling the effects of this pandemic—whether it’s how hard (or non-existent) their jobs are right now, having some of their loved ones contract the virus, owning small businesses that are suffering, or managing a household of children while still trying to survive mentally/emotionally themselves. It really is getting harder. Life hasn't been a walk in the park for us during this time, but I am constantly reminded of just how lucky we truly are. And I am equal parts grateful and guilt-ridden for that.

And I'll be damned...Gov. Meemaw *finally* issued a Stay-at-Home order (if you can even call it that) for the entire state of Alabama. I wonder if it had anything to do with the inundation of requests for this during her lame and performative Twitter Q&A yesterday? Better late than all of us dead, I guess?

Despite my terrible mood, the hubs had the great idea to order curbside from a local place, catch up on Jeopardy! (Alex Trebek is a national treasure, and I will not be judged by you!), and play our version of "beer pong" and card drinking games whilst jamming out to my sweet Pandemic Playlist. Nothing like some sweet tunes, beating your husband at cards, and a little (read: whole lotta) tequila to turn your attitude right-side up.

APRIL 4TH - DAY 22:

Today was a day of discovery: I had been asking for a new series rec that I could invest in (you know...since we have time to do that sort of thing now), and I remembered several people telling me that I would love the show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. One episode in, and I'm obsessed! To make it better, the hubs actually enjoys watching it, too...which is nice, because honestly the only thing we can agree on to watch together is Jeopardy!, and well...that's a lot of pressure to put on Sir Alex Trebek.

Oh, and I also learned that my tequila tolerance has lowered in my 30's, but my susceptibility to hangovers is at an all-time high.

APRIL 5TH - DAY 23:

Well, today I reached new level on the Pandemic Scale...I have started having quarantine dreams. I'm usually one who hardly ever remembers their dreams, but last night I dreamt that a friend of mine and I were meeting up at random locations trying to find toilet paper...and once we found a place, we could only buy single rolls at a time...and I may or may not have knocked down an old lady in a walker to grab three more rolls. Wonder if this means I'm in the process of losing it or if I've already mostly lost it...?

Today we also had to break down and groom Trixie. This may not sound like a big deal to most, but what you may not know is: she normally has to be fully sedated in order to be groomed. In the past we had tried wearing her out before taking her to the groomer...giving her Benadryl...and even having our vet give her a mild sedative beforehand. Nope. Apparently, our girl is (as our groomer lovingly put it) "a mean drunk." So you can imagine why we would be so reluctant to undertake this task. BUT with a few tricks, a little Benadryl, and a whooole lot of patience (read: taking turns cursing and calming the other person down), we were able to shave her back-end and trim her face. And I have honestly never felt more accomplished or deserving of the tequila drink I swore off just this morning...

APRIL 6TH - DAY 24:

I have still managed to avoid learning a TikTok dance and/or trimming my bangs…and I may have just Jedi mind-tricked my husband into getting (nay, wanting!) an Instant Pot. Am I winning quarantine?!

APRIL 7TH - DAY 25:

Today the heaviness of what's happening is feeling more real by the day. The hardest part of all of this has been knowing how much some of my friends and loved ones are suffering but not being able to do a damn thing about it...not even hug them or hold their hand.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Thank god for therapy.

Oh, and today Gov. Meemaw—along with several local faith leaders—launched a “Ribbons of Hope” campaign to remind everyone to pray for medical personnel and first responders. She did this by parading around in front of the capitol (and photographers) NOT socially-distanced from these other people whilst tying giant, tacky ribbons to trees. Like, I fully support the message (I mean, truly bless these frontline workers...all of them), but FFS you cannot issue a Stay-At-Home Order and expect people to take it seriously when they see you're out and about doing your performative political photo shoot bullshit. Uuuggghhh.

APRIL 8TH - DAY 26:

I've still been taking lots of walks around our neighborhood which have become quite the highlight of my quarantine days. Today was different though. We have lived in our home for almost two years now, and I have maybe spoken to 3-4 of our neighbors. But today it seemed like almost everyone was out on their front lawns playing, riding bikes in their driveways, doing yard work, barbecuing, or just sitting on their porch...and I kid you not, I had 5 full-on conversations (at an appropriate social distance) with neighbors and waved/said "hello" to maybe a half dozen more. It was so strange, yet so beautiful...like something out of Pleasantville.

Also...how is that will all this craziness going on we still have to get our periods?! Rude.

APRIL 9TH - DAY 27:

Today was our fourth show recording via social distancing, and honestly...I much prefer it this way. Although I may be taking the whole "doesn't matter what I look like, because I'm not on TV and no one can see so who cares" attitude a little too seriously.

The hubs also made a trip to the grocery store, but against my (repeated) insistence, he did so WITHOUT A LIST. And I hate to even admit it, but...he actually brought home a pretty good haul—even securing the bag! (AKA he got that white gold...TP)

Despite it being a pretty decent day (and my "Friday" no less), I still have this bad mood I've had a hard time shaking. So I decided to crank up some QuaranTunes and clean my kitchen, and wouldn't you know it...I immediately felt better. I guess this really is who I am now...

APRIL 10TH - DAY 28:

Today I was (thankfully) off work, so I talked hubs into going on a hike with me on Monte Sano Mountain. Trails and sunshine and waterfalls...talk about food for the soul. ("Alexa: Play 'Waterfalls' by TLC")

Downer for the day: I (along with what appeared to be millions of others) was bamboozled into believing that the original cast of Hamilton was going to perform all of the songs from the musical via YouTube live (#HamAtHome). Good news...now that it's out there, it may actually come true! (Let us pray to the Broadway gods...) [In AL, there have been 3,274 confirmed cases and 89 deaths]

Why I'm Choosing to Be Grateful

I’m not here to sugarcoat what’s going on right now…times are tough and things are scary. Regardless of who or where we are, we are all feeling the effects of what is happening in our world. And if any of you suffer from anxiety like I do (G.A.D. 🙋🏻‍♀️), it can definitely exacerbate the fear and stress of it all.

But in spite of all of this—and because I have no control over these outside forces—I am choosing to shift my focus to one of the few things I do have control over: my perspective. And with that said, I am going to spend some time every day for the next week highlighting the things I am most grateful for…an #AttitudeOfGratitude, if you will.

So I have created this template with the intention to share 5 things that I’m grateful for over the next 7 days, and I’m challenging you to do the same. Because in a time of adversity and uncertainty, it’s important to remember the positive things life still brings us.

Today I am grateful for:

• My baby brother. (Happy Birthday, Tobe!)

• Being back in Alabama and closer to family. (Fun fact: Today is my 4 year anniversary of moving from LA to AL!)

• COFFEE. (I think we can all be grateful for that)

• My ability to work from home. (And because of this have been unknowingly honing my "social distancing" skills for the past 4 years...who knew?!)

• Cozy pajamas. (That I, fortunately, get to work in from home!)

So whether it's big or small, we all have things in our lives that we can be grateful for...even in these bizarre times. Let me know what you're grateful for by posting and sharing this template and tagging me (and a friend or two!) on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!

To All the Dems I Loved Before

“If by a ‘Liberal’ they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people-their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties-someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a ‘Liberal’, then I'm proud to say I'm a ‘Liberal’.”

— John F. Kennedy

Well...we somehow managed to make it to 2020. We have survived 29+ (serious?) declared Dem presidential candidates, 12 (interesting?) debates, and a whooole lotta social media posts (rants?) re: who our best bet is to win back the White House in November. And now Super Tuesday is upon us...

For some, determining who their #1 candidate is has been a journey. For others, they've been ride-or-dies since day one. Some have flip-flopped...some have made complete 180's...and (shockingly) some are still undecided. And though many see this as a problem—the fact that there's not one candidate that everyone wants to back—I get it. We all know that there is no such thing as a perfect candidate, but all of the candidates who have entered this race bring something different and meaningful to the table.

So to honor that (and to have a little fun), I thought I would create my own 2019-2020 Democratic Presidential Yearbook Superlative List:

• MOST LIKELY TO STAND UP TO THE NRA / MOST LIKELY TO PLAY THE ROLE OF PRESIDENT ON CBS' NEWEST PRIME TIME DRAMA: Rep. Eric Swalwell

• MOST GOOD VIBES / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOU GO "HUH?": Marianne Williamson

• MOST LIKELY TO STICK IT TO TED CRUZ / TINIEST MOUTH: Sen. Michael Bennet

• MOST BIPARTISAN / MOST SWOLE: Rep. John Delaney

• TALLEST / MOST LIKELY TO DEMONSTRATE HOW NOT TO EAT NY STYLE PIZZA: Mayor Bill de Blasio

• BEST CLIMATE CHANGE ADVOCATE / MOST LIKELY TO BE CAST AS CAPTAIN PLANET IN THE TV SHOW REBOOT: Gov. Jay Inslee

• MOST LIKELY TO WANT TO GRAB A BEER WITH / MOST UNFORTUNATE NAME: Gov. John Hickenlooper

• BEST LABOR & UNION SUPPORTER / MOST FORGETTABLE: Rep. Tim Ryan

• MOST LIKELY TO BRING U.S. TROOPS HOME / MOST LIKELY TO BE THE INSPIRATION OF A FUTURE DISNEY VILLAIN: Rep. Tulsi Gabbard

• MOST IMPROVED POLICY STANCES / MOST LIKELY TO WIN AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH: Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand

• MOST LIKELY TO SUPPORT DREAMERS / MOST LIKELY TO PULL A "PARENT TRAP": Julián Castro

• ES MÁS PROBABLE QUE HABLE EN ESPAÑOL / BEST OLLIE: Rep. Beto O'Rourke

• BEST STYLE / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE NOMINEE CRY: Sen. Kamala Harris

• MOST LIKABLE BILLIONAIRE / MOST LIKELY TO BACK THAT AZZ UP: Tom Steyer

• MOST PET-FRIENDLY / BEST DAD JOKES & SICK BURNS: Sen. Cory Booker

• BEST MATHLETE / MOST TECH SAVVY: Andrew Yang

• MOST HEALTH CONSCIOUS / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE ME SIGN AN NDA AFTER PUBLISHING THIS BLOG: Mayor Mike Bloomberg

• MOST LIKELY TO GET A BILL PASSED / BEST BANGS: Sen. Amy Klobuchar

• MOST (NON-POLITICALLY) ACCOMPLISHED / BEST ROBOT-DANCE MOVES: Mayor Pete Buttigieg

• BEST MODERATE / BEST SHOULDER MASSAGES: VP Joe Biden

• MOST CONSISTENT / BEST LARRY DAVID IMPRESSION: Sen. Bernie Sanders

• MOST LIKELY TO HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A BILLIONAIRE CRY: Sen. Elizabeth Warren

In all seriousness, these candidates have dedicated their lives, sacrificed quite a bit, and opened themselves up to relentless scrutiny during this race all in an attempt to do what they could to push this country forward and make it better for us—for all of us. And regardless of whether you're a fan or not, that at the very least is to be admired and respected. I don't yet know who our nominee will be, but I do know that those still left in the race (and those we have lost along the way) all have the ability to realign our moral compass, inject a necessary level of empathy back into our humanity, and help shape a better and brighter future for everyone from the least of these to the marginalized to the middle-American.

I encourage you to vote for who you feel best represents you and your issues. Don't let polls or concerns of "electability" dictate your decision—people are only unelectable if you don't vote for them. But I do hope that regardless of the outcome of this primary, you will join me and #VoteBlueNoMatterWho on November 3rd. Don't give into the division, and don't lose sight of what really matters. The job of these candidates is to present their best case for why they should lead this country, and our job is to make sure one of them secures that position—and our job starts tomorrow. So let's get to work...

Oh, and for what it's worth...if you reeaally want to know who is MOST LIKELY TO WIN MY VOTE ON SUPER TUESDAY: it is absolutely and most definitely Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Piercing the Echo Chamber

"The civil discourse we need will not come from watching our tongues. It will come from valuing our differences and the creative possibilities inherent in them."

— Parker J. Palmer

It's no secret that we are living in a politically polarizing and divisive time. Facebook friend lists are dwindling, more people are migrating to the silos (and news stations) that best fit their ideals, and those who aren't battling it out with others on the internet refuse to even broach the subject of politics. Our country has essentially drawn a line in the sand, crossed its arms, and said, "Not today (or ever), Satan." And I get it...because I'm guilty of all of that, too. After the 2016 election, I was rolling back my friends list like Walmart pricing on Black Friday. I've made the snarky comments online, I've avoided people in real life, and I sought sanctuary in my little blue bubbles.

And honestly, it was what I needed at the time. But just like anything in life, you have to make the choice—to stay dormant or to move forward. I was presented with this choice a month and a half ago when a friend of mine offered me up as a suggested guest on the show Guerrilla Politics. For those who aren't familiar, it's a local, weekly show hosted by Dale Jackson and Dr. Waymon Burke where they discuss all sides of local, statewide, and national political topics. I was terrified not only of the thought of being on television (hellooo anxiety), but also the idea of having to discuss—nay, debate—politics with someone who has strong opposing views (ahem, Dale) on said television. But with some encouragement from friends and family, I said yes. And...I survived. And not only did I survive, but I was then asked by Dale if I would be interested in trying out a guest spot on his daily morning radio show: The Dale Jackson Show.

Now I'm a firm believer in transparency, so I should have prefaced all of this by saying: I was not a huge fan of Dale's. I had never known him personally, but his on-air personality to me was—to put it kindly—off-putting. Before all of this, I had literally zero desire to listen to/watch his shows, much less meet the man. It was clear to me where he stood on most issues and who his main demographic was, and I could safely say I was not in that camp. But I thought if he was willing to have someone like me on his show, who was I to not afford him that same respect. So again, I said yes. And now I'm not only a weekly guest on The Dale Jackson Show (Wednesdays from 8-9 AM ;) ), but I had the opportunity to serve as Dale's guest co-host on this week's episode of Guerrilla Politics. Do we align perfectly on all things political? Not at all. But through doing the shows, I have found that we have way more commonalities and shared opinions than I ever would've imagined. We've had some interesting debates (#TeamDragQueens), but we've always remained respectful of one another. And he'll probably hate that I'm saying this (so don't tell him I said it), but...he's actually kind of a nice guy.

There's nothing wrong with finding "your people" and getting connected to issues and causes you to care deeply about, but try to maintain respect and empathy in your heart for those who may not fall into those same silos. I still believe it's perfectly acceptable to remove people from your life who you feel are toxic and/or don't add value to your life, but try to be mindful of whether you're purging people because they're truly toxic or just because they may not agree with you. And let's be real...I'm all for an occasional snarky comment when appropriate, but try to make sure it's not hurting your overall cause. Because let's face it, it's easy to sit in a room (or a Facebook group) where all of your ideals and opinions are echoed back to you—that's where the community and organizing happens. But if you want to change hearts and minds—and moreover the narrative of what others may have written for you and your beliefs—then you have to step outside of your comfort zone and into the unknown. You may be surprised to find a different perspective, a deeper understanding, and a more positive outlook for the future of politics and humanity in America. I know that I certainly have.

"Fight for the things you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you."

— Ruth Bader Ginsburg

History in the Making

"Take a stand for what's right. Raise a ruckus and make a change. You may not always be popular, but you'll be part of something larger and bigger and greater than yourself. Besides, making history is extremely cool."

— Samuel L. Jackson

I woke up this morning with what I can only describe as a "Democracy Hangover"...

Yesterday the Alabama State Democratic Executive Committee held its much-anticipated meeting to create new diversity caucuses, remove its current "leadership", and elect a new Chair/Vice-Chair. If you're not familiar with what led to this monumental meeting, first read this earlier post for reference and context. And as dramatic as the lead-up to this moment has been, you could not have written what transpired just hours before the meeting occurred.

On Friday (at 5:00 PM no less) Montgomery Circuit Judge Greg Griffin granted an injunction filed by Nancy Worley et al. that would essentially cancel the meeting. But just as The Reformers were starting to lose hope, an appeal was filed and the circuit court ruling was stayed by the Alabama Supreme Court. The meeting was back on! And then if all of that weren't crazy enough, later Friday evening Nancy accidentally butt-dialed someone from The Reformers and the 45+ minute conversation between Worley and Joe Reed (the Minority Caucus Leader) was live-streamed on Facebook...and let's just say it was not favorable to their cause. (They even did a rough transcription of the call, because it's so unbelievable, you have to hear it AND read it for yourself—bless you Cara McClure!)

So after this roller coaster of a Friday, I showed up at the Convention Center in Montgomery on Saturday morning (after hyping myself up with lots of caffeine and Hamilton) honestly not quite sure what to expect. I of course was feeling hopeful, but I couldn't help but hold just a tad bit of cynicism (and a whole lot of anxiety) in my heart. After all, the previous SDEC meetings I had attended had all been next-level shit-shows. But those negative thoughts were immediately dashed as soon as I entered the Youth Caucus room—it was FILLED with young people (#demkids). And not just young people, but diverse and impressive and from all over the state. The energy in the room was electric, and I was genuinely overcome with emotion as I sat listening to them one-by-one give their 30-second pitches as to why they wanted to be elected as at-large Youth Caucus members. Unfortunately, we couldn't elect them all, but we were able to add 48 superb new Youth members—39 of which were African American—as well as electing members to the newly-created Native American, Hispanic, Asian/Pacific Islander, and LGBTQ+ Caucuses. THIS is what the Alabama Democratic Party is supposed to look like and represent!

As soon as the caucuses were in place, we gathered downstairs in the main hall for the commencement of the meeting of the full SDEC body. Once a quorum had been established (108 members who were elected prior to this day), it was showtime. It was noted that neither Worley nor Kelly nor Reed were present, although Nancy may still be at home trying to figure out how cell phones work. (#blessherheart) The meeting began with a unanimous vote to adopt the minutes from the October 5th (DNC-approved, Worley non-approved) meeting, as well fill a handful of vacant House District seats. Then—one by one—each caucus presented its slate of new at-large members which were all accepted unanimously and greeted with a standing ovation as they received their credentials and joined the rest of us on the voting floor. It was truly a sight to behold.

Then came the moment we had all been waiting for...the vote to remove Nancy Worley as Chair and Randy Kelly as Vice-Chair. Initially, the motion to remove them was put to a voice vote, but at the wise suggestion of Senator Vivian Figures and the majority vote of the body, it was moved to a roll-call vote. Now, with now 172 voting members present, this becomes a looong and tedious process. But I will say this—getting to verbally shout-out “YES!” in favor of removing Nancy Worley as Chair was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done in my life. And after a unanimous vote (172-0!), it was done: "Nancy Worley and Randy Kelly have been removed as Chair and Vice-Chair of the Alabama Democratic Party." And the crowd ERUPTED. We had done it...we had actually done it.

https://twitter.com/_LifeOfLisa_/status/1190684767517327360?s=20

Now came the next part...electing a new Chair and Vice-Chair. The nominees who had declared their candidacy prior to the meeting were Dr. Will Boyd, Rep. Chris England, and Tabitha Isner. Let me preface this by being forthright and stating my biases regarding this topic—I was #TeamTabitha all the way. That's not to say I was against any other candidate. Both Dr. Boyd and Rep. England have done countless things to better the ADP and represent it and its values well. But in my personal opinion, Tabitha impressed me not only with her incredible run for Congress in 2018, but also with her six months of hard work to help unite our party, recruit at-large members, and make this November 2nd meeting happen. She had earned my vote. But honestly, the beauty of this election was that there was no bad choice.

After some compelling speeches from all three candidates and a roll call vote, Rep. Chris England was declared the Chair of the Alabama Democratic Party (England-104; Isner-63; Boyd-4). This in itself was a historic moment—Rep. England was the first African American elected as Chair of the ADP. After a well-deserved standing ovation, Rep. England took his place to head the remainder of the meeting. The next item on the agenda was the election of the Vice-Chair. (FYI: Per the ADP bylaws, the Vice-Chair must be the opposite gender of the Chair...so in this case, since the newly elected Chair was male, the Vice-Chair would have to be female) There were two women who had declared their candidacy for Vice-Chair prior to the meeting—former Rep. Patricia Todd and Dr. Adia Winfrey—and Tabitha Isner was nominated from the floor. Isner declined the nomination, because (in her words): "I would like for the Chair to have the Vice [Chair] that he wants, so I respectfully decline."

#sdec #alpolitics #alpol 😳😳😳 pic.twitter.com/egYu7UB7JZ

— Lisa Handback (@lisahandback) November 2, 2019

After another roll call vote, Patricia Todd garnered 113 of the 141 votes cast, thereby becoming the new Vice Chair. Patricia Todd, having already made history back in 2006 when she became the first openly gay representative in Alabama, had now added her name in a big way to this historic moment. After the election of Caucus Chairs, a few more motions were brought to the floor—most notably a motion to end the lawsuit filed when Worley was Chair and prohibit any more money from being spent on the attorneys in that case, as well as a motion to add a Disability Caucus as soon as possible but no later than 2022—both of which passed unanimously. Finally after a total of 8.5 hours, the meeting was closed out with some encouraging words from Senator Doug Jones (who had been present all day, as well as DNC representative, Harold Ickes).

It has been a trying 15 months to say the very least. I have personally felt beaten down, discouraged, mortified, furious, frustrated, and a myriad of other unpleasant emotions over these past few months. But this time...this moment...it felt different. It was different. We had proven that not only a quorum of the body wanted change...wanted a better Democratic Party...but we showed up and we demanded that change...we were that change. We let it be known loud and clear and unanimously that we wanted a more diverse and inclusive and forward-thinking Democratic Party. We rallied...we showed up...and we voted. I know there are a few more battles ahead of us, as Nancy has already stated to AL.com that she has not conceded in her role as Chair. But I also know this...

After being surrounded all day by Democrats of all ages, races, backgrounds, and walks of life who are passionate about putting in the work to rebuild this party, what we have done these past 15 months, what we did this weekend, and what we will do in the weeks and months ahead fighting this battle will all be worth it. It won't be easy, and it won't be pretty...but then again when has making history ever been?

What I Knew And What I Know

I've heard women say so many times, "I knew...I just knew!"...and I remember thinking, "How do you just know?" Well, one day in mid-September I finally understood what they meant: I just knew I was pregnant.

After a week of feeling all of the feelings—excitement, anxiety, fear, hope—I finally took a test... "PREGNANT". Those same feelings instantly amplified and washed over me like a terrifyingly glorious wave. This was real...this was happening...I was actually going to be a mom! It was a high I was sure I would never come down from, nor did I ever want to. But what I didn't know is just how quickly that high would end...

A few days (and several more positive tests) later, I started experiencing some minor pain. I had read that was normal and tried to focus on how I was going to surprise Alex with the news. Our six year wedding anniversary would be that Saturday, and I thought what better way to celebrate than with this incredible news! But a few days before, the pain started to intensify, as well as the bleeding, and it became almost unbearable. I called my doctor and made an appointment to have some blood work done, but I knew...I just knew...

I have experienced the loss of loved ones and dear relationships...I have suffered heartbreak and tragedy...but nothing—none of it—could have prepared me for the level of pain I felt in that moment. I cried til my eyes were swollen shut...I screamed til my throat was raw...I cursed and threw things and prayed and laid in the fetal position in the floor of my bathroom. I was gutted. I was angry. I was devastated.

“It's an odd dichotomy…feeling as though you—or your body—has failed, while also feeling like something has been stolen from you.”

See, what many people don't know about me is that since I was a young teenager, I have always held this (seemingly irrational) fear that I would never be able to have children. No doctor had told me such—it was just some dark notion that has lingered in the back of my mind for nearly 20 years. And for a little while, those dark dreams had been dashed, and I had proven my anxiety to be wrong. So when it was confirmed that I had in fact miscarried, those dark dreams had now turned into my worst—and very real—nightmare.

I still have a hard time even saying the word: "miscarriage." If you look it up in the dictionary, one of the first synonyms you will find is "failure," and that really resonates with me. It's an odd dichotomy...feeling as though you—or your body—has failed, while also feeling like something has been stolen from you. I feel guilty, yet victimized. I feel self-reproach, yet self-pity. I feel "why not me?", yet "why me?!"

“It's a club that no one wants to join, yet there are so, so many members.”

The first few weeks I went through (what I dubbed) the Triple D Cycle: 1) Depression; 2) Denial; 3) Distraction. Repeat. I've tried my best to keep busy and put on a brave face, but I've also allowed myself to have moments where I feel those hard feelings fully and deeply. The goal is to not suppress those emotions, but also to not become consumed by them. And a month later, I'm still struggling with finding that balance.

One out of every four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. That is a truly devastating statistic. I have dear friends who have suffered miscarriages and fertility issues, and my heart broke for them. And now being on this side of it, the heaviness somehow feels even heavier. Because you're not just grieving this lost embryo…you're mourning the nursery you had already decorated in your head, the joy on your parents' faces after telling them they're going to be grandparents, the life that will never be. It's a club that no one wants to join, yet there are so, so many members. But I am fortunate in the sense that my friends have been very open with me about their pain and struggles, which has allowed me to be more open and honest about my own experience—and therapy...thank god for therapy.

But keeping with that honesty, I initially didn't want to tell anyone (with the exception of my husband, of course). I mean...how do you casually bring that up in conversation? Why tell people who care about you something that will just make them sad and pity you? Why burden others with your sadness or pain if you don't have to? But then I felt that sadness begin to turn into anger... You see, the world doesn't just stop, even if it feels like it's crashing down on you. I still had projects to complete...laundry to do...relationships to maintain...emails to respond to...meetings to attend... There were days where I sat at my computer and literally screamed at the (obviously unknowing) person on the other side, "Do you have any idea what I'm going through right now?!" And of course, the answer was no.

“...I understand that your gain does not equal my loss...”

That's when I knew I had to write about it. Not for sympathy or pity or to make excuses for being emotionally/physically checked out—but for understanding. I also wanted to write about it, because as an advocate for removing the stigma surrounding mental health and related topics, to not share my personal experience would be hypocritical in my eyes and only perpetuate the stigma. And as I said, I am so lucky to have friends who have shared their experiences with me, as well as an amazing therapist...and I understand everyone is not as fortunate to have both or either of those things. So if my story can help one person out there feel less alone, then it's worth the temporary pain and vulnerability that comes with writing this blog.

To all my mama friends out there—please do not feel like you have to tiptoe around me or handle me with kit gloves. Keep sharing your funny stories and cute pictures of your kiddos. To all my pregnant gal pals—please do not feel like you have to avoid me. Keep posting those baby announcements, ultrasound pictures, bump updates, etc. Will they make me a little sad? Honestly, they most likely will. BUT...please know that I understand that your gain does not equal my loss and that I am genuinely and sincerely happy for you. And to all my ladies who have experienced or are currently experiencing the loss of a pregnancy—please do not feel like you have to bear this burden on your own. Let your family, friends, loved ones help you carry some of the weight. Lean on them, talk to them, confide in them. And if you feel like you can't, then please come lean on me. I will sit with you, cry with you, scream with you, or just quietly hold your hand. Your feelings—whatever they may be—are yours and yours alone, and you are justified in all of them...just don't feel like you have to feel them alone.

I've learned by now that you can't put a time limit, or any parameters, on grief—it ebbs and flows like the tide, with some days giving you space and the appearance of "normal" while others leave you feeling like a tsunami is crashing over you. I still have good days and bad days...moments of complete peace and moments of absolute meltdowns. But along with support, my friends' stories have also given me hope, as many of them now have beautiful, precious rainbow babies that I, too, have the privilege to love on. So it may not be today...tomorrow...or even months from now, but I am confident that I will get through this...that I will be okay...and that one day I will be granted the blessing of being a mother.

I know it...I just know it.

Point of (dis)Order

"A house divided against itself cannot stand."

— Abraham Lincoln

Whew. Where to begin? I suppose at the beginning...

After diving head-first into local politics almost 3 years ago, I decided at the beginning of 2018 I was going to take an even bigger step in "being the change I wish to see" by running to represent House District 10 on the Alabama State Democratic Executive Committee. I had been warned by previous/current SDEC members that it was quite the cluster, but I thought, "What better reason to get involved and help the Party progress!?" After the election of Senator Doug Jones, my level of hope for Democratic politics in Alabama was at an all-time high with dreams of turning this crimson red state into a light shade of purple. That hope was shaken back in August of 2018...and those dreams were nearly dashed 2 days ago.

I won't dive into the details of what led to the October 12th meeting, but some fellow young SDEC members and I wrote an open letter on the importance of this meeting and urged all SDEC members to attend this past Saturday. Upon arrival, it was very clear that this meeting would not be going smoothly—the tension in the air was thick and the emotions were already running high. Roll call was done, which showed that 161 members were in attendance (which notably included House Minority Leader, Rep. Anthony Daniels, Rep. Laura Hall, Rep. Chris England, and Sen. Vivian Figures). The meeting (which started 30+ minutes late) kicked off with some bizarre ramblings from Chair Worley (Shriners concession stand breakfast hot dog, anyone?), a request for the paper signs to be put down (because it was a "potential safety risk"?), and (one of the few positive notes of the day) a recognition of the historic elections that recently occurred in Montgomery and Talladega. But—as you can imagine—the positivity was very short-lived.

Several SDEC members began calling for a Point of Order, as well as a Point of Inquiry—requesting her to state which set of bylaws this meeting would be operated under (the old, non-DNC approved bylaws or the DNC approved bylaws which were voted on by the SDEC on October 5th and accepted)—all of which Chair Worley blatantly ignored. After many attempts to ignore and skirt around the Point of Inquiry, Chair Worley finally stated that she did not acknowledge the (DNC-approved and legally called) meeting held on October 5th as legitimate and that the current meeting could be operated under both sets of bylaws. This outrageous statement unsurprisingly sent the room into an uproar and was met with a motion to immediately adjourn. The roll call vote on the motion to adjourn: 73-YES; 88-NO. The chaos would continue...

Again several Points of Order were called—one specifically asking how much of the Party's money has been spent in legal fees defending the Chair and Vice-Chair against the many recent challenges (which, FYI: ~$200,000)—and again, Chair Worley flagrantly steamrolled them. That is until Vice-Chair Kelly called for a motion to postpone the minutes of the October 5th meeting indefinitely, a moment which aroused confusion and, frankly, laughter. Because as Rep. England eloquently pointed out, this motion would mean that the ADP "leadership" is in fact acknowledging AND validating the meeting that occurred on October 5th and the business that was conducted within it. From what I could discern from the debate that followed, that motion was (temporarily) tabled.

Another much-needed bright spot of the meeting was the announcement of numerous and amazing accomplishments of Alabama Young Dems this past year—although it was somehow not acknowledged by the Vice-Chair of Youth Affairs and had to be brought up as a motion to correct the record (shout-out to James Parker, Jr. - HD28). In hindsight, I believe it was this very moment that retained what little hope I had left and fueled me through the rest of the meeting (that and the two very large coffee drinks I consumed that morning). And it was desperately needed. Because what happened next was a level of shit-show I was not prepared for...

The DNC—oh, excuse me—TOM PEREZ sent a letter to Chair Worley on October 9th clearly stating that the bylaws voted on and passed on October 5th had been validated by the DNC Rules and Bylaws Committee and that those should be the bylaws under which all meetings going forward should be operated, as well as no vacancies should be filled until the November 2nd meeting. As you can imagine, Chair Worley gave two giant middle fingers to those instructions and not only conducted business under her bylaws but also moved forward with filling several vacancies. More Points of Order and motions to adjourn were simply ignored. But the ultimate "F U" moment came when Matthew Brown - HD21 made a motion to have DNC representative, Harold Ickes, speak to the Committee, and Chair Worley stated that "there would have to be a unanimous vote for a non-member to speak", and wouldn't you know it...there were a few objections from the Committee, so Mr. Ickes was not allowed to speak. I repeat—A MEMBER OF THE DNC WAS NOT ACKNOWLEDGED OR ALLOWED TO ADDRESS THE COMMITTEE.

During the umpteenth roll call vote—this time on whether to substitute the bylaws (which ones, I'm still not even sure)—I took this opportunity to meditate, eat some chips, and watch the kickoff of the Alabama v. TAMU game. At this point, the mental break was honestly welcomed and very much needed. Once the bylaw substitution vote passed (I believe substituting the non-DNC approved bylaws for the DNC approved bylaws), Vice-Chair Kelly motioned for the (previously voted on and DNC approved on October 5th) November 2nd meeting to be canceled and instead held on November 16th...maybe?? But again, this would be acknowledging and validating the October 5th meeting and all of the business discussed and voted on as a result—which was in complete contradiction of the claims of illegitimacy made by Chair Worley and Vice-Chair Kelly himself. What is real...what is valid...what is legitimate...what the hell is happening??

At this point, the room, completely consumed by animosity and division, erupted into total anarchy—screaming, name-calling, and more calls for Points of Order and motions that (shockingly) were ignored. I honestly couldn't tell you what was said by Chair Worley in the last two minutes of that meeting due to the pure chaos that had ensued, except the word "ADJOURNED" echoed loud and clear over the speaker. And that was it. We were dismissed. Four and a half hours of pure pandemonium, and all I was left with was embarrassment, disappointment, confusion, and an overwhelming amount of sadness.

I have been a Democrat all my life—even before I knew what it was or what it meant. I want to uplift, empower, and support those of marginalized communities and those who also want to do all they can for the betterment of the collective. I want elections like that of Senator Doug Jones, Mayor-elect Steven Reed, and Mayor-elect Timothy Ragland to be the norm, not an anomaly. I want to leave my community, my state Party, my world better than I found it. As a young(ish) person, I constantly hear, "Yay a young person! Where are the rest of you? Why doesn't your generation care about what's going on?!" And on the surface, that seems like a fair question. However, after witnessing firsthand the atrocity that was the October 12th meeting, how could anyone in their right mind—much less the youth—want to involve themselves in such ridiculousness? Moreover, we (Millennials and Gen Z) are trying to finish school and establish careers and start families and pay bills and be activists whilst a majority of us are being crippled by student loan debt paired with low-paying jobs, and quite frankly we do not have the time nor the patience to engage in this kind of bullshit. But even in those moments when some of us attempt to pull up a chair and join the conversation, we are then swiftly patted on the head and told to go sit at the kiddie table to wait our turn.

I don't know what the future holds for the SDEC or the Alabama Democratic Party as a whole—only time (and the DNC) can tell us that. But I know this much...this state is full of hardworking, smart, talented, dedicated, and all-around badass progressive young people who want to move the Democratic Party and the state of Alabama forward. Our futures and those of our children are most at stake. So my suggestion to those who, too, want these things would be to drop your decades-old grudges, step aside, and allow space for people of our generation to make the significant contributions that we know we have the potential to make. Otherwise, you can fully expect my fellow young rabble-rousers and me to build our own damn table...and you can't sit with us.

My Take on the Third Dem Debate

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF FIVETHIRTYEIGHT.COM

Whew. After a semi-exhausting first two rounds (and four total nights) of debates, I was excited to take in this pared down round of front-runners, where they would have more of an opportunity to get down to the "nitty gritty" of some of the issues, as well as address other issues that had been neglected in previous debates.

Here are my humble views on how Round 3 went down:

Round 3:

Sen. Bernie Sanders — Nothing new to report here, really. If you err on the side of optimism, he was consistent. If you don't, he was predictable. Although regardless of where you stand on the issue of Medicare For All, Sen. Klobuchar's quip, "While Bernie wrote the bill, I read the bill," paired with Mayor Pete's comment, "The problem, Sen. Sanders, with that damn bill that you wrote and that Sen. Warren backs is that it doesn't trust the American people," definitely landed hard and helped make a case for those with a more moderate/centrist position regarding healthcare.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren — Per usual, I felt she was solid in the beginning, but then seemed to almost disappear for most of debate. Her opening and closing statements were the strongest and most balanced, and she certainly connected with me (and I'm sure many other Millennials) when she spoke on the student debt crisis and the high costs of childcare.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg — Like Sen. Warren, I felt as though he faded into the background for a large chunk of the debate, but when he did speak, he delivered some solid talking points and made the most of his time. His highlights to me were when he called for his fellow candidates to stop using the platform to score political points (we're all looking at you, Castro) and his closing statement, which was heartfelt and resonated with anyone who has a soul.

Beto O'Rourke — Ok, so...I still not planning to catch a ride on the "Beto Bandwagon" anytime soon, but I would be lying if I said he didn't have a good night. After the tragic mass shooting occurred in his hometown of El Paso a few weeks ago, he came out the clear winner on the topic of gun control with a bold and fiery exclamation, "Hell, yes, we're going to take your AR-15, your AK-47!" paired with the accolades he received from some of his fellow candidates on his stance and outspokenness on the topic. And I, too, give him kudos for his advocacy on this incredibly important issue. (But if you think I've forgotten about the Round 1 Debate, you would be incorrecto)

Sen. Amy Klobuchar — Like Beto, I found her performance this round to be a big improvement upon the earlier rounds. She (both literally and figuratively) read Bernie for filth regarding his Medicare For All bill, as well as put up a strong defense of her record when it was called into question. And her personal story regarding her work to enact the 48-hour maternity hospital stay rule in Minnesota really resonated with me. But also like Beto, I am still not "All About Amy" just yet.

Sen. Kamala Harris — She definitely had a different strategy going into this round, which was clearly to focus all of her critiques on the current administration as opposed to her Dem opponents. And with several comments made throughout the debate about "infighting", this appeared to be a good move on her part. (But did anyone else grab some popcorn and pray for mercy on Ol' Joe when the topic of race came up again?) She seemed very relaxed this round, too, even landing some pretty funny jokes with her opening statement and her comparison of 45 and the Wizard of Oz (“You know, when you pull back the curtain, it’s a really small dude.”) Oh, and her closing statement somehow kicked up some dust in my living room... #imnotcryingyourecrying

Julián Castro — BRUH. I had actually begun to like him more and more, round by round, but his performance this time was ROUGH. His blatant and overzealous attack on Biden was cringe-worthy, and it only benefited Joe by making him appear more sympathetic. (I mean, come on, Julián, he's somebody's grandpa!) I personally think he's vying for a VP spot, so maybe this was part of his plan?? (Because let's be real...I would pay a pretty penny to see him go in on Pence like that on a debate stage)

Andrew Yang — Whew. Ok, so...like Castro, I too had started to become a fan of Yang's the more I heard from him. I felt he brought an interesting perspective and had some great policy ideas. BUT...between his icky Asian stereotype "joke" and his gimmicky promotion of his Freedom Dividend plan, he certainly didn't do himself any favors. I honestly don't think I could sum up his performance any better than Mike Drucker did on Twitter, so I'm just going to leave this right here.

Sen. Cory Booker — I felt this was another solid night from Sen. Booker. His multiple references of his experiences in his community and neighborhood felt sincere and humble. And Sen. Harris wasn't the only one who came with jokes—I'm still giggling over his wisecrack about Trudeau's "menacing" hair. Being the first to chastise Castro for his attack on Biden while still holding Joe accountable for the things Castro was calling him out for definitely scored him some points. (But whether those points will reflect in the polls remains to be seen)

VP Joe Biden — I've got to be honest...he performed well this round. Aside from his continued efforts to cherry-pick his involvement with the Obama administration, the strong defense of his attacks paired with the support he received from his fellow centrists (and again, the mercy showed to him by Kamala regarding race) allowed him to not only garner the most talk time but also come out as one of the top performers.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I enjoyed this debate. I would personally like it to be pared down even more, but I was still able to get a better feel for these candidates and see aspects of them I hadn't yet before.

One of my biggest "CONS" was the lack of diversity in which candidates were asked questions. Although I know there's no way to ensure that they all get exactly equal talk time, I feel that much more could be done by the moderators to see to it that there's a more level playing field. (After all, we are Democrats, right?) Another big "CON" for me: again, this debate was dominated by the topic of healthcare. I mean, don't get me wrong...healthcare is obviously one of the most important issues America is facing today, but sweet Democratic baby Jesus, there have been so many critical issues that have yet to have much (if any) discussion on the debate stage. For example: the economy, equal pay, abortion rights, maternal health, family leave, domestic violence, mental health, education, childcare, student loan debt crisis, criminal justice reform, marijuana legalization, LGBTQ+, sexual harassment, etc. etc. etc… "PRO"(ish): Was it just me, or did everyone suddenly shift from giving Obama hell last round to kissing his as...err...feet this round? (My guess is Michelle made a couple of phone calls after that last debate to check some people, remind them of who the hell they are, and gave them some "notes" for this round) Regardless, I'm glad everyone's back on #TeamObama.

Thanks again for reading my thoughts on this third round of debates. What were your takes on my rundown? What did you think were the biggest hits and misses of this round? I would love to hear your thoughts!

If you'd like to read my takes on the previous debates, you can do so here:

Dem Debate Round 1

Dem Debate Round 2