This One's for the Girls

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

― Anaïs Nin

Although it's been said many times and in many ways, I don't believe it can really be stated enough: this past year has been HARD. A year full of loss, fear, uncertainty, chaos, and distance. Even this introvert has felt the heaviness and pain of that distance and isolation. I have never been more grateful for my amazing husband and the opportunity to safely spend time with some of our immediate family but in all honesty...I miss my friends.

I miss Girls' Nights Out and wine night get-togethers and weekend coffee dates and random road trips and just being together—laughing, venting, crying, sharing ideas, and spilling all the tea. Sure, we still have group chats and Zooms and FaceTime, but nothing can fully replace being together under one roof. I miss the hugs and cheersing and high-fives—all of it. BUT...even with the distance and separation, the women in my life have still somehow managed to save me.

It's easy for us to focus on all the terrible things 2020 brought (and continues to bring) us, but it has also personally brought me a deep appreciation for all the wonderful things (mainly people) I have in my life. These women—in spite of their own personal struggles in the midst of this shit-show we are currently referring to as "life"—have encouraged me, checked in on me, loved on me, uplifted me, and inspired me in ways that still leave me in awe. The ability to continually pour into others, even when you yourself feel mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually depleted, I believe is a characteristic that is so specific to women, and I continue to be amazed by it.

“My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges.”

— Helen Keller

I'll admit that when I was younger, I didn't have many serious female friendships. Hell, my mother had to basically bribe me to even go through my college sorority recruitment, because I had ZERO desire to expand my tiny female-friend universe (but I am oh-so-thankful she did). I am so lucky to have some incredible men in my life, but the older I have gotten, the more I realize that it has been the women and female relationships in my life that have truly shaped me into the woman I am today and continue to evolve into. From family members to besties...coworkers to mentors...acquaintances to those I admire from afar, they have all made a lasting impact on me in big and small ways.

So if you are a woman in my life reading this—regardless of how close we may or may not be—please know that I see you, I respect you, I appreciate you, and I thank you. And especially during this past year, whether you provided me with career opportunities, offered kind words of encouragement during my darkest days, made me belly-laugh when I needed it most, supported me and my passions, or allowed a safe space for me to be myself, I am forever grateful. Although still very much flawed, I am most certainly a product of all the phenomenal women around me, and I hope that from now on when you look at me, you will see that glimmer of yourself that is now a part of me reflected back.

“Women understand. We may share experiences, make jokes, paint pictures, and describe humiliations that mean nothing to men, but women understand. The odd thing about these deep and personal connections of women is that they often ignore barriers of age, economics, worldly experience, race, culture — all the barriers that, in male or mixed society, had seemed so difficult to cross.”

— Gloria Steinem

All I Wanted for Christmas Was You

Since the dawn of its creation, music has always had an incredible way of evoking our deepest emotions. As someone who is an extreme empath and an owner of #allthefeelings, I have always found empowerment, connection, and solace in music. When I was younger and my level of angst was unable to be expressed through my own limited vocabulary, I turned to the songs of the emo-est of bands (picture teenaged Lisa scream-singing MCR and Yellowcard whilst scribbling madly in her diary—bless her). When I went through a horrific breakup, I sought refuge in the melancholy lyrics of the sappiest singer-songwriters (shout-out to Jack Johnson and T-Swift). And when I need a serious mood boost (or a dance party of one), I immediately crank up the show tunes or some '90s-'00s hip hop (if you've seen my curated playlists, you get it).

But have you ever had a moment in your life—a new milestone, a big move, a messy breakup—that caused a song that you had heard a thousand times before and mindlessly sang along to all of a sudden truly resonate or take on a whole new meaning?

A few days ago I was on my way to the gym and in an effort to get myself pumped up and excited about working out at 6:30 AM (which is truly a monumental effort) I queued up my favorite Christmas playlist. Because I love all things Christmas and am no fool, “All I Want for Christmas is You” was the first song up. I was singing and bee-bopping along per usual until I was about a minute in and then something shifted. I started honing in on the words, unintentionally at first, and it was like I was suddenly hearing them for the first time. And then I felt that all too familiar feeling...a meltdown was coming. And boy did it. I finally parked the car and sat there in the gym parking lot, letting the feeling wash over me like a catastrophic tidal wave.

“Every month I have quietly prayed and hoped that this month would be the month it would all change...and every month I have silently wept and cursed when it was made clear that it wouldn’t.”

I’m sure by this point you’re probably thinking, “How could (arguably) the greatest Christmas song ever sung by one of the most iconic voices of our generation cause you to lose it like that?” And that's a completely valid question. I know the intended meaning of the song is wanting to be with the one you love for Christmas so desperately and not needing anything else but that. And on a very deep level—deeper than I even realized—that’s exactly what I was (well, am) feeling. But it’s not a significant other I’m longing for. The thing is...I have just begun my twelfth month of 2020 still not being pregnant.

By now most of you are aware of my experience last year, but I haven’t really spoken about it again until now. I honestly don’t like to, or frankly want to, talk about it—not because I’m ashamed or feel it shouldn’t be a topic that is openly discussed (it should!) but because it makes it that much more real for me. Before my miscarriage last year and even until recently when the subject of if we were ever having kids came up, I would say, “Ehh...if it happens, it happens” in the most nonchalant tone I could muster. That has been my chosen response because saying what I really feel hurts too much. In my mind admitting out loud that we have been trying (and trying...) and knowing that it isn’t happening makes each passing month feel like one giant failure after another. That my body is failing me. That I’m failing us. Every month I have quietly prayed and hoped that this month would be the month it would all change...and every month I have silently wept and cursed when it was made clear that it wouldn’t.

“In true Enneagram 9 fashion, I have always struggled with moving outside of my comfort zone and taking risks. Not for fear of judgment or of being vulnerable, but of failure.”

And until my therapy session this week (can I say, “Thank god for therapy!” enough?), I don’t think I realized just how important this is to me. I believe that a part of me has tried to convince myself that it doesn’t really matter if I ever have kids as some sort of a defense mechanism because admitting how desperately I want to be a mother would somehow make the pain and reality of it not happening that much deeper and truly unbearable. This has been a constant theme in my life—doing everything in my power to not get my hopes up over something for fear of the (in my mind, inevitable) let down. In true Enneagram 9 fashion, I have always struggled with moving outside of my comfort zone and taking risks. Not for fear of judgment or of being vulnerable, but of failure. And this just feels like an extension of that.

And here we find ourselves, at the end of what has undoubtedly been the most dumpster-fiery year in recorded history chock-full of immense tragedy and shared trauma. This holiday season will look and feel so different for almost all of us. I know for me that this time last year I was almost certain that we would be celebrating our best year yet and our first Christmas as a (human) family of three. But like most things in 2020 that, too, was tossed into the dumpster fire. And although seeing others getting to live out that experience—precious family holiday cards, cute kiddos unwrapping their gifts, festive pregnancy announcements—will undoubtedly cause a pang of envy in my heart, I also know that there is no shortage of love and joy in my life. I have the most phenomenal partner in my husband, an incredible support system in my friends and family, and (IMO) the world’s greatest therapist—and I am so ridiculously lucky. And grateful. Because I know there are so many others who are having to navigate a similar journey that may not have some or any of those same resources. But moreover, I am hopeful.

I hope if we have learned anything from this godforsaken year, it is the importance of human connectivity, the need for more empathy, and how truly resilient we are as people—individually and collectively. I hope this year has forced us to understand what’s really important in this life—not beautifully wrapped boxes under a tree but our relationships with those we love most. I hope that even though we are all going through shared and personal struggles, we can find a moment or two to appreciate what we do have—not just focus on what we didn’t get. I hope that for myself...and I hope it for you. So Happy End of 2020, friends! We may not have gotten all that we wanted, but we made it here. And that is truly a gift in and of itself.

The Breaking Point

“2020 has been my best and most favorite year yet!”

— No one, EVER

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that 2020 has been an absolute dumpster fire for most of us—I know it certainly has been for me.

Even putting aside my own personal issues, it feels like each day is worse than the one before. It's like as soon as we catch our breath from one catastrophe, another one comes along and knocks the wind right back out of us. I think that's part of what has made this year so hard—the relentlessness of it all. We have far surpassed #thestruggleisreal and seem to have advanced to a level I'm now referring to as #SWEETBABYJESUSWHENWILLTHISNIGHTMAREEND. I've had several people over the past few months ask me, "How do you do it? How are you keeping it together?!" The truth is...I'm not. I've had bouts of anxiety-induced sleep paralysis. I've had days where I hardly moved from one spot. I've cried and cursed more this year than I have the past five years combined—and for anyone who knows me, you know that's saying something. Real talk: when I got the news of RBG's passing, I legitimately laid on my living room floor for three hours and sobbed. A tad dramatic? Sure. But that's because—unbeknownst to me—I was just about to arrive to this week's final destination...my breaking point.

As most of you know, I co-host a weekly show called Alabama Politics This Week. On the show, we obviously discuss topics involving politics and current events, which you can imagine in this god-forsaken year has been an absolute treat. Normally I'm able to keep it together through the hour'ish it takes to film the show. But yesterday...yesterday was the first day where the topics we discussed fully triggered my (already elevated) anxiety. Thinking and talking about the loss of RBG and Breonna Taylor and 200,000+ Americans dead from COVID and the pure chaos that will undoubtedly ensue in November and the wannabe-dictator megalomaniac in the White House just...honestly broke me. It was as if each thought was causing a small spark inside my brain and I could feel myself imploding right there in slow motion and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had finally succumbed to the weight of everything that 2020 had thrown my way and just let is wash over me like a tidal wave. But also like a tidal wave, that initial sense of drowning was immediately followed by a sense of calm. And I realized that—just like you—I'm still here.

So whether you're angry, cynical, frustrated, somber, scared, or any combination of those things, that's okay. We are all in survival mode at this point and sometimes just getting through the day is a victory. So if you've made it through this day and you're reading this right now, please let me be the first to remind you that YOU ARE DOING A FUCKING GREAT JOB.

And if you need to, take break. Feel those feelings. Take care of yourself. But then come back. Because we have to keep pushing forward. We have to keep fighting the good fight. There's too much at stake to give up now.

I always want to be honest and transparent here. Most days are tough, and nine times out of ten I'm driving the Hot Mess Express. So I promise you are not alone in your feelings, whatever they may be. It's crazy out there, and we still have three more months of this shitshow of a year. But we will make it through. So far we've survived 100% of our worst days...and I like those odds.

The Social Distancing Diaries

We keep hearing it over and over again, and I know we are feeling it also: these are historic and unprecedented times we are in. In my short 33 years, the only points of reference I have are 9/11 and the 2008-2009 recession...and it feels like those two things combined and multiplied to the nth degree. This is one of those moments in time that will be written about in history books...that we will tell our grandchildren about...that will affect how we see and move through the world for the rest of our lives—The Pandemic of 2020.

I started jokingly tweeting about my #SocialDistancingDiaries, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of keeping a "digital diary" during this time to help process my feelings, to bring a little levity to these uncertain times, and to look back on years from now. (Or for some alien civilization to find in case this whole thing goes to hell in a handbasket and life as we know it ceases to exist. I kid, I kid.) This will just be my personal experience with a little bit of outside news sprinkled in. I'll continue to update this weekly as it goes on, so feel free to check back in every now and then. And if you feel like it, leave a comment below and share your personal experiences during this bizarre time!

MARCH 14TH - DAY 1:

Okay, it's starting to feel unsettling. Maybe it's because yesterday was Friday the 13th? Although every day this year has kind of felt like Friday the 13th, honestly. I think today needs to be the day that we start quarantining. The groceries have been bought and a new water filter has been purchased. All that's left now is a manicure...because #priorities. [Yesterday they announced the first known cases of COVID-19 in AL (6), declared a state of emergency, and shut down schools until April 6]

MARCH 15TH - DAY 2:

So I've been trying to find new shows to watch during this quarantine downtime, and I just discovered 'Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist'. I'm overjoyed, because it's filling this gigantic GLEE-sized hole in my heart. But I'm also pissed at everyone I know for letting me sleep on this show for this long. *resumes binge*

MARCH 16TH - DAY 3:

I think I'm going to take advantage of this time and do a lot of self-care. I wonder how many face masks are too many in a day?And this will be a great opportunity to get back to meal-prepping and doing some at-home workouts! I'm going to come out of this quarantine in the best shape of my life!

MARCH 17TH - DAY 4:

The sun is finally out! You don't realize how much you need and appreciate fresh air and sunshine until you're literally confined to your house. Taking the pup for lots of walks, which is great for both of our mental health and moods.

Speaking of mental health, I did leave the house to visit my therapist, but it's a small office and we practiced responsible social distancing and disinfecting. My anxiety and I have never been more thankful to have an angel of a therapist than right now. Oh, and for the record...Vanessa Hudgens is trash and has always been trash.

MARCH 18TH - DAY 5:

First day doing the radio show with "social distancing" in mind. Instead of driving into the station, they just had me call in and participate in the conversation. Which was wonderful. But now I'm wondering...why the hell have I been driving my ass all the way to Athens this whole time?

This afternoon I received an email from my gym informing me that it will be providing access to Les Mills on-demand classes at no additional cost until further notice! Now just waiting for a follow-up email that has some motivation attached.

Also, today the hubs learned he would need to file for unemployment, as he literally cannot do his job with everything being shut down. But worse than that...he just went to the store to get #QuarantineSnacks, and for my "sweet snack" he brought me back...pop tarts?? POP TARTS. But not regular pop tarts, no…BLUEBERRY pop tarts. We may not survive this after all. [Today the AL Runoff Elections were officially postponed until July 14]

MARCH 19TH - DAY 6:

Today I recorded audio of my TV show at the radio station (because the show must go on, right?); suffered an insane stress headache (or a hangover from last night’s wine...who knows....I’m not a doctor); and screamed at my TV when “breaking news” ruined an entire episode of Jeopardy!—so I guess you could say I'm thriving.

MARCH 20TH - DAY 7:

We have officially survived Week 1 of #QuarantineLife. And because all we've basically been doing is looking at screens for the past week, hubs and I opted to have a screen-free date night. After spending an hour of trying to figure out what that means or looks like, we decided to bust out of our bubble and brave the rain and the 'rona by going to Walmart to find a game or two that would be fun for two people. They were closed...it was 8:30PM. Driving back to the house and seeing how dark and empty all of the parking lots and streets and businesses were on a Friday night made it sink in a little deeper and feel a little more real. Thankfully Sonic's drive-thru was still open, so we settled on some ice cream, adult beverages, and a bunch of card games that neither of us had played in years. We listened to music and talked and laughed, and it was everything that my soul needed in these weird-ass times. And I have never been more thankful for this quarantine partner of mine. [In AL, the total number of confirmed cases has now surpassed 100 (106).]

MARCH 21ST- DAY 8:

Well, today I baked, cooked dinner, (willingly) talked on the phone for a full hour, AND cleaned my kitchen…twice. So basically I’ve officially reached the “who the f**k am I even?” phase a lot sooner than anticipated. Oh, and that whole Day 3 idea of "coming out of this quarantine in the best shape of my life!" Yeah...that was a nice thought... *resumes eating third ice cream sandwich*

MARCH 22ND - DAY 9:

People are starting to do all of these “tag 10 people challenge” posts where they are tagging friends on social media to see what they're doing, how they're handling quarantine, and asking them to share pics of their cute pets. I’m truly loving all of these posts to help us feel more seen and connected to one another…but I put out a warning that if any of these assholes tag me in the "push-up challenge", I’m blocking their ass. That’s just rude.Oh, and for the record...Sen. Rand Paul is trash and has always been trash. [In AL, the total number of confirmed cases has reached 150.]

MARCH 23RD - DAY 10:

The new DOOM game was released today, and I wonder how many relationships this is currently saving? I'm also realizing that this quarantine means that my 45-supporting relatives now have pleeenty of downtime to troll my posts. Sweet 6lb 8oz baby Jesus, give me strength.

Also also...reeaally wishing we had bought more toilet paper...

MARCH 24TH - DAY 11:

(AKA "The day I had to actually look at a calendar to know what day it is") In our house today…Working human (me) got out of bed at 7:45 AM; Non-working human (hubs) got out of bed at 9:45 AM; The freeloader (the pup) got out of bed at 10:45 AM. They’re both so very lucky they’re cute.

Also had my first "Telehealth" appointment with my therapist (which is what we will continue to do until further notice), and I again am feeling so incredibly thankful to have her during these tough times. [Birmingham issued a stay-at-home order (as a 24-hour curfew) effective March 24 to April 3.]

Oh, and thanking the Universe for Tim Send. #HashtagTheCowboy

MARCH 25TH - DAY 12:

Today I decided to start my own challenge. In spite of the chaos and uncertainty happening in the world right now (and my elevated levels of stress and anxiety), I am choosing to shift my focus to one of the few things I do have control over—my perspective. So I decided to create this challenge not only for myself but also to encourage others to focus on and share what they're grateful for over the next 7 days.

Today was also my baby brother's 31st birthday. Since he lives in Indy and my family is practicing proper social distancing, we decided to set up a virtual birthday get-together via Zoom with my brother's household, our household, and my mom's household...and I have truly not laughed til I cried like that in so long (mostly due to us spending the first 10 minutes trying to explain to my mom that she needed to hold the phone waaay further away from her face, and then her finally getting frustrated by not knowing how to turn it off and just shutting her phone in drawer...with the Zoom still on. LOL). I miss my family so much, but I'm so thankful for today's technology.

Oh, and I sent an open letter to my elected officials via Resistbot urging them to ACT NOW by issuing a "shelter-in-place" for the state of Alabama. (You can imagine how well that didn't work.) [In AL, the total number of confirmed cases jumped to 386 from 219. The number of people tested is 2,812. The first death in the state is reported in Jackson County. Tuscaloosa issued a city-wide curfew, lasting from 10:00 PM until 5:00 AM each day, effective March 27 to April 3.]

MARCH 26TH - DAY 13:

In a press conference today, Governor Ivey said that she would not issue a "shelter-in-place" order. She was quoted as saying, "Y’all, we are not Louisiana, we are not New York state, we are not California…Right now is not the time to order people to shelter-in-place." Meanwhile, it has been reported that from March 22-26, 59,783 Alabamians filed for unemployment, as well as 500 cases of COVID-19. So while we're talking about "things we're not," you, Gov'nah Meemaw, are in fact NOT a good leader.

Silver-lining was having a delightful (virtual) happy hour on my back patio with some of my fave women and a large tequila drink. My soul is feeling restored once again. I miss my friends.

MARCH 27TH - DAY 14:

(AKA "the day that my husband threatened to cut me off from our Amazon account") If this in fact happens, I will consider it an act of war and therefore cannot be held responsible for the repercussions. #TheyMayTakeAwayOurLivesButTheyllNeverTakeOurPrime

Since we had officially survived our second week in quarantine, we decided to call a truce and ended up having a really lovely "quarantine date night". He cooked some bomb-ass steaks, and we queued up "Tiger King" on Netflix. On a related note: WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!

MARCH 28TH - DAY 15:

Anyone who knows me knows that I am no cook/baker, nor do I aspire to be such. (Which may seem strange for someone who loves few things more than eating) But since this #quarantinelife has begun, I have managed to successfully cook some meals like chicken parm and Asian stir fry, but today...today I reached what will most certainly be the pinnacle of my cooking/baking mastery: I made a delicious, grandma-approved banana nut bread from scratch! Even the hubs liked it, and that's truly saying a lot. So now I'm just stress-eating this bread and waiting for Food Network to holla at me and green-light my new baking show. [Gov. Ivey still refuses to issue a Shelter-in-Place order, because of course.]

MARCH 29TH - DAY 16:

Going into this third week of social distancing, and this weather is truly saving my mood and my soul. Our backyard has always been one of my favorite parts of our home, but I have never truly appreciated it until now. To be able to just sit outside and work or enjoy a cup of coffee while listening to the birds chirp and watching the squirrels build their nests has been an unexpected joy these days. There's just something about a beautiful, calm Sunday morning that makes you believe that everything really will be okay...

Another highlight from today: I got to have a (wine-filled) Zoom call with some of my dearest, OG friends from high school, and it was most definitely good for my soul. I love my people.

MARCH 30TH - DAY 17:

Since this quarantine time, days are starting to run together. (I think I read somewhere that they've completely done away with the traditional week, and now it is just "yesterday", "today", and "tomorrow") But for those of us who are (very fortunately) still working, Mondays are still kind of a bummer. So today, the hubs and I took my lunch break to explore this little hidden gem near our home called Beaverdam Boardwalk. It was a great way to get some fresh air, be in nature, and break up the day in a different and spontaneous way. (10/10 recommend)

Again...hitting Week 3 of quarantine over the weekend here at House Handback, and honestly, it’s been harder trying to stay upbeat. The gorgeous weather has certainly made a difference, but music has always been something that’s helped cheer me up, forced me to have a good cry, and made me dance til I drop it too low. (#thisis30) One of the things I loved most about being a spin instructor was getting to make themed playlists for my rides, so I thought this was a fantastic opportunity to curate my own PANDEMIC PLAYLIST. I'm normally not one to toot my own horn, but uhh...*toot toot, y'all*

MARCH 31ST - DAY 18:

AKA March 867 (Seriously...has this felt like the longest month literally ever or what?!) I'm clearly starting to lose it, because I have found myself down a rabbit hole of cutesy survey FB posts and "this or that" IG stories. Ugh. Even I'm starting to become annoyed by myself.

I had a virtual appointment with my therapist, which again is a privilege in and of itself. We talked about how I was coping during these trying times, and I told her that in spite of my anxiety disorder, I'm actually doing fairly well...and I think it's because I feel like having had anxiety for as long as I can remember, I'm feeling some sort of weird comfort that the rest of the world seems to have caught up with me/is now on my level. Obviously, I don't wish for that or this stupid pandemic, but I think that may be what's keeping my anxiety from spiraling. (That and therapy + CBD gummies) I told her I was trying to stay focused on the positive, and she commended me for that but also reminded me that's okay—nay, encouraged—to still allow myself to feel those sad/scary/heavy feelings. And with that sage advice, I had the hardest, most cathartic cry I've had in a long time. Still trying to celebrate the little joys in life, but also remembering (especially in this scary time) that it's okay not to be okay.

I did learn a new survival skill today though...I successfully removed my SNS polish and gave myself an old-fashioned manicure. I'M A SURVIVOR, Y'ALL.

APRIL 1ST - DAY 19:

Gotta be honest...today I was on the lookout for any jackwagon who thought it would be cute to actually participate in April Fools' Day today. No sign of one yet, fortunately. I think we can all agree that April Fools' Day is canceled this year.

Oh, and the hubs’ #quarantinecrazies are in full force. So many silly/goofy antics followed by him (very dramatically) exclaiming: “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” Really empathizing with all my friends with small children right now.

I also may have taken my therapist's advice a little too much to heart. I may or may not have watched this video 20+ times and spent half my day lip-syncing along while sobbing at my desk. I'm fine. Really...I'm fine.

But to end this on a high note, today was the day that we found out Chipotle now delivers to our house. Our lives will never be the same again. [In AL, COVID-19 cases reached 1,000 cases, according to the ADPH. 24 total deaths were reported with 17 confirmed. Still no Shelter-in-Place order has been issued.]

APRIL 2ND - DAY 20:

AKA The first day ya girl has put on real pants during this quarantine time. (Verdict is in: buttons/zippers are most definitely for the birds. #teamelasticwaistbands)

We're still recording the audio version of Alabama Politics This Week (because the show must go on, right?), and today I got to do my first solo interview with ADP Chairman, Rep. Chris England. I'm still battling severe anxiety and Impostor Syndrome, as well as trying to build my confidence. Writing is so much easier for me. This audio/visual medium with one-takes and time restraints honestly sucks. Trying to give myself grace, but this paired with the weight of now living in The Upside Down is feeling heavier and heavier.

Also today Governor Meemaw did a Twitter Q&A that she will undoubtedly regret based on the responses I'm seeing. The support for a Shelter-in-Place order seems to be incredibly (and semi-shockingly) bipartisan, and yet she STILL refuses to commit to it, stating: "Each state has to weigh their own set of factors. I’m in communication with local, state & federal officials on a daily basis. We are taking a measured approach to keep Alabamians healthy, safe & working, wherever possible." I had some feelings about that...Like, lots of feelings...

My super cute co-worker is really helping to keep my spirits up though. (Although she can be kind of a bitch sometimes...)

APRIL 3RD - DAY 21:

Holy hell. Three full weeks. I honestly wasn't sure if we were going to make it to this point. But here we are. Today was kind of a shitty day at the office, but again...at least I was able to make my back patio my "office" for the day. My heart has also been panged by empathy and guilt this week. Hearing these stories from friends and loved ones (and even strangers) who are really feeling the effects of this pandemic—whether it’s how hard (or non-existent) their jobs are right now, having some of their loved ones contract the virus, owning small businesses that are suffering, or managing a household of children while still trying to survive mentally/emotionally themselves. It really is getting harder. Life hasn't been a walk in the park for us during this time, but I am constantly reminded of just how lucky we truly are. And I am equal parts grateful and guilt-ridden for that.

And I'll be damned...Gov. Meemaw *finally* issued a Stay-at-Home order (if you can even call it that) for the entire state of Alabama. I wonder if it had anything to do with the inundation of requests for this during her lame and performative Twitter Q&A yesterday? Better late than all of us dead, I guess?

Despite my terrible mood, the hubs had the great idea to order curbside from a local place, catch up on Jeopardy! (Alex Trebek is a national treasure, and I will not be judged by you!), and play our version of "beer pong" and card drinking games whilst jamming out to my sweet Pandemic Playlist. Nothing like some sweet tunes, beating your husband at cards, and a little (read: whole lotta) tequila to turn your attitude right-side up.

APRIL 4TH - DAY 22:

Today was a day of discovery: I had been asking for a new series rec that I could invest in (you know...since we have time to do that sort of thing now), and I remembered several people telling me that I would love the show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. One episode in, and I'm obsessed! To make it better, the hubs actually enjoys watching it, too...which is nice, because honestly the only thing we can agree on to watch together is Jeopardy!, and well...that's a lot of pressure to put on Sir Alex Trebek.

Oh, and I also learned that my tequila tolerance has lowered in my 30's, but my susceptibility to hangovers is at an all-time high.

APRIL 5TH - DAY 23:

Well, today I reached new level on the Pandemic Scale...I have started having quarantine dreams. I'm usually one who hardly ever remembers their dreams, but last night I dreamt that a friend of mine and I were meeting up at random locations trying to find toilet paper...and once we found a place, we could only buy single rolls at a time...and I may or may not have knocked down an old lady in a walker to grab three more rolls. Wonder if this means I'm in the process of losing it or if I've already mostly lost it...?

Today we also had to break down and groom Trixie. This may not sound like a big deal to most, but what you may not know is: she normally has to be fully sedated in order to be groomed. In the past we had tried wearing her out before taking her to the groomer...giving her Benadryl...and even having our vet give her a mild sedative beforehand. Nope. Apparently, our girl is (as our groomer lovingly put it) "a mean drunk." So you can imagine why we would be so reluctant to undertake this task. BUT with a few tricks, a little Benadryl, and a whooole lot of patience (read: taking turns cursing and calming the other person down), we were able to shave her back-end and trim her face. And I have honestly never felt more accomplished or deserving of the tequila drink I swore off just this morning...

APRIL 6TH - DAY 24:

I have still managed to avoid learning a TikTok dance and/or trimming my bangs…and I may have just Jedi mind-tricked my husband into getting (nay, wanting!) an Instant Pot. Am I winning quarantine?!

APRIL 7TH - DAY 25:

Today the heaviness of what's happening is feeling more real by the day. The hardest part of all of this has been knowing how much some of my friends and loved ones are suffering but not being able to do a damn thing about it...not even hug them or hold their hand.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Thank god for therapy.

Oh, and today Gov. Meemaw—along with several local faith leaders—launched a “Ribbons of Hope” campaign to remind everyone to pray for medical personnel and first responders. She did this by parading around in front of the capitol (and photographers) NOT socially-distanced from these other people whilst tying giant, tacky ribbons to trees. Like, I fully support the message (I mean, truly bless these frontline workers...all of them), but FFS you cannot issue a Stay-At-Home Order and expect people to take it seriously when they see you're out and about doing your performative political photo shoot bullshit. Uuuggghhh.

APRIL 8TH - DAY 26:

I've still been taking lots of walks around our neighborhood which have become quite the highlight of my quarantine days. Today was different though. We have lived in our home for almost two years now, and I have maybe spoken to 3-4 of our neighbors. But today it seemed like almost everyone was out on their front lawns playing, riding bikes in their driveways, doing yard work, barbecuing, or just sitting on their porch...and I kid you not, I had 5 full-on conversations (at an appropriate social distance) with neighbors and waved/said "hello" to maybe a half dozen more. It was so strange, yet so beautiful...like something out of Pleasantville.

Also...how is that will all this craziness going on we still have to get our periods?! Rude.

APRIL 9TH - DAY 27:

Today was our fourth show recording via social distancing, and honestly...I much prefer it this way. Although I may be taking the whole "doesn't matter what I look like, because I'm not on TV and no one can see so who cares" attitude a little too seriously.

The hubs also made a trip to the grocery store, but against my (repeated) insistence, he did so WITHOUT A LIST. And I hate to even admit it, but...he actually brought home a pretty good haul—even securing the bag! (AKA he got that white gold...TP)

Despite it being a pretty decent day (and my "Friday" no less), I still have this bad mood I've had a hard time shaking. So I decided to crank up some QuaranTunes and clean my kitchen, and wouldn't you know it...I immediately felt better. I guess this really is who I am now...

APRIL 10TH - DAY 28:

Today I was (thankfully) off work, so I talked hubs into going on a hike with me on Monte Sano Mountain. Trails and sunshine and waterfalls...talk about food for the soul. ("Alexa: Play 'Waterfalls' by TLC")

Downer for the day: I (along with what appeared to be millions of others) was bamboozled into believing that the original cast of Hamilton was going to perform all of the songs from the musical via YouTube live (#HamAtHome). Good news...now that it's out there, it may actually come true! (Let us pray to the Broadway gods...) [In AL, there have been 3,274 confirmed cases and 89 deaths]

To All the Dems I Loved Before

“If by a ‘Liberal’ they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people-their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights and their civil liberties-someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a ‘Liberal’, then I'm proud to say I'm a ‘Liberal’.”

— John F. Kennedy

Well...we somehow managed to make it to 2020. We have survived 29+ (serious?) declared Dem presidential candidates, 12 (interesting?) debates, and a whooole lotta social media posts (rants?) re: who our best bet is to win back the White House in November. And now Super Tuesday is upon us...

For some, determining who their #1 candidate is has been a journey. For others, they've been ride-or-dies since day one. Some have flip-flopped...some have made complete 180's...and (shockingly) some are still undecided. And though many see this as a problem—the fact that there's not one candidate that everyone wants to back—I get it. We all know that there is no such thing as a perfect candidate, but all of the candidates who have entered this race bring something different and meaningful to the table.

So to honor that (and to have a little fun), I thought I would create my own 2019-2020 Democratic Presidential Yearbook Superlative List:

• MOST LIKELY TO STAND UP TO THE NRA / MOST LIKELY TO PLAY THE ROLE OF PRESIDENT ON CBS' NEWEST PRIME TIME DRAMA: Rep. Eric Swalwell

• MOST GOOD VIBES / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOU GO "HUH?": Marianne Williamson

• MOST LIKELY TO STICK IT TO TED CRUZ / TINIEST MOUTH: Sen. Michael Bennet

• MOST BIPARTISAN / MOST SWOLE: Rep. John Delaney

• TALLEST / MOST LIKELY TO DEMONSTRATE HOW NOT TO EAT NY STYLE PIZZA: Mayor Bill de Blasio

• BEST CLIMATE CHANGE ADVOCATE / MOST LIKELY TO BE CAST AS CAPTAIN PLANET IN THE TV SHOW REBOOT: Gov. Jay Inslee

• MOST LIKELY TO WANT TO GRAB A BEER WITH / MOST UNFORTUNATE NAME: Gov. John Hickenlooper

• BEST LABOR & UNION SUPPORTER / MOST FORGETTABLE: Rep. Tim Ryan

• MOST LIKELY TO BRING U.S. TROOPS HOME / MOST LIKELY TO BE THE INSPIRATION OF A FUTURE DISNEY VILLAIN: Rep. Tulsi Gabbard

• MOST IMPROVED POLICY STANCES / MOST LIKELY TO WIN AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH: Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand

• MOST LIKELY TO SUPPORT DREAMERS / MOST LIKELY TO PULL A "PARENT TRAP": Julián Castro

• ES MÁS PROBABLE QUE HABLE EN ESPAÑOL / BEST OLLIE: Rep. Beto O'Rourke

• BEST STYLE / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE NOMINEE CRY: Sen. Kamala Harris

• MOST LIKABLE BILLIONAIRE / MOST LIKELY TO BACK THAT AZZ UP: Tom Steyer

• MOST PET-FRIENDLY / BEST DAD JOKES & SICK BURNS: Sen. Cory Booker

• BEST MATHLETE / MOST TECH SAVVY: Andrew Yang

• MOST HEALTH CONSCIOUS / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE ME SIGN AN NDA AFTER PUBLISHING THIS BLOG: Mayor Mike Bloomberg

• MOST LIKELY TO GET A BILL PASSED / BEST BANGS: Sen. Amy Klobuchar

• MOST (NON-POLITICALLY) ACCOMPLISHED / BEST ROBOT-DANCE MOVES: Mayor Pete Buttigieg

• BEST MODERATE / BEST SHOULDER MASSAGES: VP Joe Biden

• MOST CONSISTENT / BEST LARRY DAVID IMPRESSION: Sen. Bernie Sanders

• MOST LIKELY TO HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT / MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A BILLIONAIRE CRY: Sen. Elizabeth Warren

In all seriousness, these candidates have dedicated their lives, sacrificed quite a bit, and opened themselves up to relentless scrutiny during this race all in an attempt to do what they could to push this country forward and make it better for us—for all of us. And regardless of whether you're a fan or not, that at the very least is to be admired and respected. I don't yet know who our nominee will be, but I do know that those still left in the race (and those we have lost along the way) all have the ability to realign our moral compass, inject a necessary level of empathy back into our humanity, and help shape a better and brighter future for everyone from the least of these to the marginalized to the middle-American.

I encourage you to vote for who you feel best represents you and your issues. Don't let polls or concerns of "electability" dictate your decision—people are only unelectable if you don't vote for them. But I do hope that regardless of the outcome of this primary, you will join me and #VoteBlueNoMatterWho on November 3rd. Don't give into the division, and don't lose sight of what really matters. The job of these candidates is to present their best case for why they should lead this country, and our job is to make sure one of them secures that position—and our job starts tomorrow. So let's get to work...

Oh, and for what it's worth...if you reeaally want to know who is MOST LIKELY TO WIN MY VOTE ON SUPER TUESDAY: it is absolutely and most definitely Senator Elizabeth Warren.

My Take on the Second Dem Debate

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF FIVETHIRTYEIGHT.COM

Alright...here we are again. ROUND 2. I felt like the first round of debates was more of a warm-up with the candidates in feeling out the debate stage, their opponents, and what the viewers would respond to most. My hope for the second round (aside from less candidates, which clearly didn't happen) was that some of the candidates would come out strong on their stances and make attempts to separate themselves from the pack—some did, some faded into the background, and some are possibly still on the debate stage in search of their political careers.

So here it is—my takeaway from Round 2:

Round 2, Night 1:

Sen. Bernie Sanders — He came dressed in his best pair of sassy pants, and I was here 👏🏻 for 👏🏻 it 👏🏻 . He had some great zingers + sound bites, and he definitely held tight to the left with his progressive messaging.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren — I felt she was extremely strong throughout the night on all topics this round, and her Mortal Kombat ending of Delaney was more than epic. She’s my declared winner of the night. #FinishHim

Mayor Pete Buttigieg — I thought he was solid and did an excellent job leveraging his age as a strength, when most would perceive it as a weakness. And his lines about structural democratic reform and “Repubs will call us crazy socialists no matter what, so let’s just stand up for the right policies” were definitely shining moments for him.

Beto O'Rourke — Well, he was better than the last round, but that’s not saying too much. (¿Cómo se dice…"meh"?)

Sen. Amy Klobuchar — I found her to be stronger and more confident this round as well. She has some good policy ideas, but I just don’t think she’s a candidate people can get really excited about (including myself).

John Hickenlooper — I still stand by my statement that he should be disqualified for his name alone.

Rep. Tim Ryan — In the words of our Lord Ariana Grande: #thankunext

John Delaney — R.I.P. Swole Daddy

Marianne Williamson — I'm shook just typing this, but she did well. Like, shockingly well…to the point where I thought momentarily I might be the crazy one…that is until her closing statement. #CareBearStare

Gov. Steve Bullock — He won’t win the nomination, but he could always try for a career in beauty pageants and/or soap operas.

BONUS: Jake Tapper was definitely "that friend" in middle school who would secretly 3-way call you to try and get you to talk shit about your other friend on the line.

Round 2, Night 2:

Sen. Kamala Harris — She was strong and polished, but I felt like she didn’t bring the same level of intensity this round as she did the first (maybe it was muted by the others who raised theirs?). Also, as much of a fan as I am not of Gabbard, her call-out of Harris’ record stung. Still think she’s a strong contender regardless.

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard — Did y’all know she was deployed to Iraq?! Ok, in all seriousness, I sincerely appreciate her service to our country…and I would also appreciate it if she continued that service in Congress.

Gov. Jay Inslee — He did just as expected and harped mostly on the climate crisis. And there IS a climate crisis…but the world is also figuratively on fire with so many other issues that we have to address. You can’t come off as a single-issue candidate and expect to go far. Another #thankunext

Sen. Michael Bennet — Sweet, sweet Michael Bennet. I know you are more than your abnormally tiny mouth and Muppet voice, but it is incredibly distracting from anything you’re saying. I truly cannot.

Mayor Bill de Blasio — From attempting to moderate the debate himself to trying to pass the buck on the Eric Garner issue, he sucked👏🏻it👏🏻up👏🏻. More like de BLAHsio…de BlasiNO…de BlasiGO…DUH Blasio…(thanks folks, I’ll be here all night) 🙋🏻‍♀️

Julián Castro — I felt he had a great night, and I am becoming more and more a fan of his the more I hear from him. I'm hoping he's able to qualify for the September debates.

Andrew Yang — Ok, so he has no chance at winning (obviously), BUT…the man has some great ideas AND is hilarious. I’m glad someone like him is in the mix to bring a different perspective to some of these big issues. I am very much here for the #yanggang.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand — Girlfriend was snatching wigs AND sponsors! (#clorox) Straight out the gate she came off much stronger and more fierce than last round. She’s not in my top tier currently, but I feel like last night she showed a different side of herself and gave her campaign a much-needed boost. Not sure if it will reflect in the polls, but BRAVA!

Sen. Cory Booker — CLEAR WINNER. Even though he is known for being a great speaker, I was still surprised by how well he performed: talked policy, went on the offense and called others out when necessary, called for unity among the candidates when things started getting messy, and—like Gillibrand—probably snagged himself a new sponsor (#koolaid) along with one of the best lines/sickest burns of the whole round.

VP Joe Biden — Has anyone checked on Uncle Joe since last night’s ass whoopin’? Sweet baby Democratic Jesus. I’m interested to find out if the other nine candidates made a pact prior to the debate to go IN on him collectively. It was hard to watch at times. I felt like he defended himself the best he could given the circumstances (and definitely got the most screen time because of it), but some of the blows landed REAL hard and I truly think will hurt him going forward. And he certainly didn’t do himself any favors with his greeting of Harris pre-debate or his seemingly senile closing statement. Siiiiigh #malarkey

BONUS: All in all, it was a very spirited debate, but I HATE the whole first hour was almost exclusively focused on healthcare with lots of other potential topics being left out. Looking forward to the next round being pared down in candidates and amped up in varied issues. Oh, and Jake “Regina George” Tapper still sucks.

Thanks for reading my humble thoughts on this second round of debates. I'm interested to see who will make the cut and qualify for the next round, and I'm excited to have the field more narrowed down. Did you agree with my rundown? What did you think were the biggest hits and misses of this round? I would love to hear your thoughts!

If you'd like to read my take on the previous debate, you can do so here:

Dem Debate Round 1

My Take on the First Dem Debate

Graphic courtesy of FiveThirtyEight.com

Like millions around the country, I found myself glued to my TV to take in what was sure to be an interesting night (err...nightS) of debate between the twenty qualified Democratic candidates all vying to become the 46th President of the United States.

And also like the millions watching, I had some opinions about it. There was a lot to take in (and by that I mean entirely too many damn candidates), so in the interest of time and attention span, here is my abbreviated takeaway from Round 1:

Round 1, Night 1:

Julián Castro — He was my clear winner for night one. He was prepared, but genuine…showed as experienced, but not super-establishment…asserted himself without being obnoxious…and pushed the other candidates on some of the issues, especially immigration.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren — I felt like she started strong and finished strong, but there was a serious lagging in the middle. Being the first one out of the gate hitting Medicare For All definitely scored her some solid points.

Sen. Cory Booker — He definitely flexed his strength as an orator and had some solid policy points, but his speaking on the opioid crisis paired with his baggage with Big Pharma didn’t sit well with me.

Mayor Bill de Blasio — The only shining moment for me was when he pointed out the misplaced blame of America’s problems on immigrants instead of big corporations and the 1%. Of which I concur.

John Delaney — #swoledaddy

Gov. Jay Inslee — I'm sorry...who??

Sen. Amy Klobuchar — I truly, truly hate to say this about a fellow woman, but…I found her to be bland and borderline obnoxious. I did feel she got one or two good talking points in, and her call-out of Inslee on the topic of women's rights was equal parts glorious and hilarious!

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard — I have complete and utter appreciation for all service men & women and vets, but I think she misused what little time she had constantly talking about her service instead of actual policy. Also, that reminder of her early non-support of LGBTQ+ issues definitely hurt her. But her call-out of Ryan on the Taliban/Al-Qaeda comment made me literally LOL.

Beto O'Rourke — Pandering. Word Salad. Cringey. Or in Beto’s words: "No bueno."

Rep. Tim Ryan — #boyBYE

Round 1, Night 2:

Sen. Kamala Harris — WINNER by a mile. She was strong and measured while making some exccellent policy points. She also took great control over the race conversation and in the process #AryaStark’ed the hell out of Uncle Joe.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg — He did as well as I had expected. He, too, made some good policy points, and his line: “We’ll have no idea who he’s pissed off more by that point” was a great LOL moment and a personal highlight of the night. And although I feel that he handled the question regarding the recent South Bend police incident fairly well, it still leaves the question of, “Why wasn’t/hasn’t more been done to prevent this?” unanswered and will potentially hurt his run in the end.

Sen. Bernie Sanders — I’ve never been a big fan (don't @ me, Bernie Bros), but I’m also not a hater. I felt he was predictable and used his time to drive home his main talking points. Not a negative necessarily, just…predictable.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand — She did well, but she was immensely overshadowed by Harris. And although I appreciate her attempt to address women’s issues, it was so rushed and talked over by some of the other candidates that it didn’t land as strongly as it could have.

Andrew Yang — I love a good wildcard, and I’m seriously considering donating to his campaign just to hear more from him.

Sen. Michael Bennet — The only thing worth remembering is his comment about not being able to get anything done in Congress til Cocaine Mitch is gone. Also #DitchMitch.

John Hickenlooper — Should be disqualified by name alone.

VP Joe Biden — #AryaStark'ed

Marianne Williamson — #CareBearStare #WITAF

Rep. Eric Swalwell — When you actually manage to out-cringe Beto. He was definitely tonight's #boyBYE.

Thanks for reading my humble thoughts on this first round of debates. I for one am certainly looking forward to how things develop over the coming months and these future debates. Did you agree with my rundown? What did you think were the biggest hits and misses of this round? I would love to hear your thoughts!