America, We Need to Talk
“Talking to each other instead of talking about each other is not some kind of nicey-nice idea. It's the difference between societies falling apart and societies getting something wonderful done.”
— Elizabeth Lesser
Like many of you, I am still processing the events of Wednesday, January 6th…a day that will no doubt live in infamy. I find myself struggling to string together the words to perfectly describe what I (what we) witnessed and what I feel. I am enraged…I am mortified…I am heartbroken…I am shocked…but I cannot say that I am surprised. This was not an accident. This was not random. This was a culmination of years of rhetoric and complicity. This has further compounded the collective trauma that was the-year-we-shall-not-speak-of and shined a spotlight on the deep divides that exist in our country.
“We have the ability to make ourselves incredibly accessible to billions of people, but that accessibility appears to begin and end at our keyboards.”
But I don't want to talk about the event itself—anyone who knows anything about me knows where I stand. Instead, I want to talk about how we get through this—because we will get through this. Emotions are high right now and we find ourselves at yet another fork in the road in terms of the direction of our country. I certainly do not claim to have all of the answers, but after many conversations and some time to reflect on this exact question that has been posed to me several times over the past few days, my answer is this: we have to start having the hard conversations.
We find ourselves in an age where you can send a message around the world with just one click of a mouse…or share a photo of your brunch to all of your friends in a matter of seconds…or fight with complete strangers about sports or politics on various platforms. We have the ability to make ourselves incredibly accessible to billions of people, but that accessibility appears to begin and end at our keyboards. As a Millennial (and as a solid Enneagram 9), I have always struggled with confrontation, giving my (true and full) opinion, and frankly having hard conversations. And as a “Southern young lady” it was ingrained in me from a young age that it was impolite to discuss things such as money, politics, and sex openly. When difficult situations would arise, the “flight” in my “fight or flight” would immediately kick in, causing me to become defensive, to deflect, or to shut down altogether. And I believe that experience to be true for many others as well. Then the internet appeared, and we found that pendulum swinging so far in the opposite direction—digitally shouting down those who would disagree with us at every opportunity and seeking refuge in our respective echo chambers. And as therapeutic as owning a Twitter troll can be at times, that isn’t how we make progress.
“We have to be willing to not only make our voices, opinions, and stances heard but also to allow the same for others.”
Like most things when it comes to making progress, it starts with us. Again, for us Millennials especially, it’s easy to watch an event like the insurrection at the Capitol unfold and be affected by it but still experience a huge disconnect. The tragedy of 9/11 occurred during our most formative years, and I still vividly remember watching the towers burn with fear and pain and confusion in my heart and yet…I never felt a seismic shift in my life because of it. As adults now we obviously have a much better understanding of the world, but I think we are still lacking one very important piece of the puzzle: principled responsibility.
So what does that look like? We have to first understand that whether we feel the direct effects of an event or not, they still affect us in some way, shape, or form. We then have to claim our responsibility as an active participant in society and share some accountability in the successes and the shortcomings that come with that. And finally…we have to start having the hard conversations—with family, with friends, with colleagues—in the form of civil discourse. We have to be willing to not only make our voices, opinions, and stances heard but also to allow the same for others. In my most recent interview with WVNN radio, I made the point that it is absolutely okay (and healthy!) to disagree with someone—completely and fervently—but we must not lose our empathy. That doesn’t mean not holding people accountable for their actions and that does not mean allowing people who have proven themselves to be toxic and harmful to stay in your life, but we have to make the effort. We have to try.
And although my show Alabama Politics This Week has certainly gone a long way to push me to express myself more openly and has forced me to discuss tough topics and have these hard conversations with those who may not agree with me some (or most) of the time, I am absolutely still a work in progress. But if the-year-we-shall-not-speak-of has taught us anything, it’s that we can do hard things. We must do hard things. Because I believe that until we start recognizing the humanity in each other and begin talking to each other in the form of civil discourse with the true intention of seeking understanding and common ground, what we are experiencing now—which is not normal—will almost certainly become so.
So consider this a challenge: start by discussing last week's attack with someone in your inner circle such as a close friend or a family member you trust and know will be willing to engage with you. Make sure to listen to them, even if they may not agree with your views—especially if they don't agree with your views—and then share yours. We all have different life experiences that have shaped us into who we are, whether it be because of our gender, race, affiliation, generation, family dynamic, religion, or culture, and we have so much to learn from each other because of that. I cannot guarantee that any agreements will be made or that every conversation will be fruitful or that it will even solve all/any of our problems, but I do believe that having these conversations—however hard they may be—will only serve to better us as people, as a society, and—hopefully—as a country.