The TML Blog
The First, But Not the Last
“... Because every little girl watching tonight sees that this is a country of possibilities. And to the children of our country—regardless of your gender—our country has sent you a clear message: dream with ambition, lead with conviction, and see yourselves in a way that others may not simply because they've never seen it before, but know that we will applaud you every step of the way.”
— Kamala Harris
It has been a long four years, friends. I think anyone—regardless of which way you lean or how you cast your vote—would agree with at least that. The division, the drama, and the deliberate attacks on our democracy have shaken our country to its very core, which when added to the dumpster fire that was 2020, has simultaneously numbed us to the point where we don't even bat an eye when we see "cocaine hippos" scroll across our timelines. It has been a struggle for me (and I'm sure many others) to find and hold on to moments of significant joy in the seemingly never-ending chaos and calamity. But on this day—January 20, 2021, the 59th Inaugural Ceremony—something so monumental occurred that it transcends political party or partisan divides...we watched the first-ever woman (and first Black and South Asian American and daughter of an immigrant) inaugurated as Vice President of these United States.
It's true we've heard it said countless times by the media and political talking heads since November, but like many things this past year, the turmoil that was 2020 essentially sucked the life out of what would be (and should have been) a momentous occasion. Through the prolonged election results to the fraud-proclaiming conspiracies to the violent insurrection at the Capitol, we were never really given the time to fully soak in this incredible milestone. 230 years and 48 Vice Presidents later, we have finally been given the chance to say the words: "MADAM Vice President." And I know for myself that truly didn't hit me until I watched Kamala Devi Harris raise her right hand as she took her oath of office. I felt immense pride as though I knew her personally. I also felt tremendous sorrow—not only because it took this long for a woman to ascend to the second-highest office in the land, but also because neither I nor the rest of the country could celebrate it the way in which it so rightfully deserved. But mostly...I felt significant, exuberant joy.
“...this is a collective win for womankind.”
Joy in witnessing history being made. Joy in embracing a new day and a turning point in our country. Joy in celebrating a woman stepping into her power, and thereby empowering all women and girls to step into their own power. Joy in knowing that if I'm fortunate enough to have children, they will never know a world where a woman cannot serve as Vice President of the United States. Joy in never again being able to say, “A woman can’t…” because she did. Because WE did. From the sacrifices of the women who came before her to the women whose shoulders she stands upon and who paved the way to the White House to the women (especially WOC) who fought and advocated and voted for us to finally arrive at this moment with our own custom-made seat at the head of the table...this is a collective win for womankind.
Like many things in this country, we have come a long way but still have such a long way to go. I am not foolish enough to believe that one candidate or one administration or one historic moment can mend all the things our country needs to repair, and I am committing myself—as I hope you will too—to continuing to do the necessary work and hold this administration accountable. But I also hope that you will join me in taking a moment to fully experience the joy in her becoming the first, but more so the joy in knowing that she will most certainly not be the last.
The Audacity of Misogyny
“I ask no favor for my sex; all I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.”
— Ruth Bader Ginsburg
There have been several stories in the news lately with headlines spanning from women being told they're "too ambitious" to run for office, having derogatory comments made about their bodies, and being publicly accosted and called profane names by their male peers. It was even the main topic of discussion on our most recent episode of Alabama Politics This Week. But any woman existing in the world today will tell you this is nothing new. I certainly cannot tell you the number of times I have personally been name-called, objectified, belittled, or dismissed by men throughout my life.
And it starts early with the objectifying (and creepy) Little Miss beauty pageants and constantly hearing, "You (fill in the blank) like a girl!" as an insult. Then we begin to upgrade to the, "She was asking for it" and "Don't be a slut but don't be a prude" misogynistic adages until we finally reach the peak of the patriarchy at income inequality, assumed gender roles, and—my personal favorite—"Women are too emotional/dramatic/crazy/overly-sensitive/weak/etc. to do X-Y-Z." If we aren't wearing a full face of makeup, we're criticized for our flaws...but when we post a selfie of us feeling ourselves, we're "shallow" and "vain". If we're smiling at you, we're "asking to be approached or engaged with"...but if we're not smiling, we have "resting bitch face" (or as I like to call it—A FACE). If we choose to not work, we're called "lazy" or "gold diggers'...but if we try to excel in our careers, we're called "overly ambitious" or just a classic "bitch". I could go on, but I think I've made my point here...
Chances are you have been affected by or observed these incidents at some point in your life. And in many conversations I've had with other women, it's not until we get deep into the discussion of our experiences that we even realize how many times we have been the victim of misogynistic behavior. And that right there may be the worst of it all—the fact that misogyny is so deeply ingrained into the fibers of our society that we often don't even recognize it for what it is at first glance.
Sometimes it is subtle and indirect—like an offhand comment or "joke". But subtlety does not negate the validity of the harm that is caused by this type of behavior. Sometimes it is brazen and straightforward—like an elected official making public derogatory statements regarding another elected official's body. And although I could speak (read: rant) on this subject for days, herein lies the bulk of my anger and frustration: the AUDACITY of misogyny.
“And that right there may be the worst of it all—the fact that misogyny is so deeply ingrained into the fibers of our society that we often don't even recognize it for what it is at first glance.”
There are a million examples I could use, but for the sake of the length of this post (and the fact that this dude is, unfortunately, my representative) I am going to discuss the incident involving AL State Board of Education District 8 Rep., Wayne Reynolds, and his public comments regarding Governor Kay Ivey. For those unfamiliar with the incident, I am referring to, during a recent press conference where Gov. Ivey was addressing the state in regards to the extension of the Safer at Home order, Mr. Reynolds made a comment on the Facebook live stream of that press conference stating, "She is gaining weight." When asked about this comment by a reporter from AL.com he doubled (tripled??) down on it by saying, "She looked heavy in that white suit, yes. I don’t know what she weighs, I don’t know how much she weighs, I just made an observation. It wasn’t derogatory, it was an observation. I’ve seen her wear other pantsuits that were more slimming on her. When she came out [for the announcement], that suit made her look heavy. There was a lady in pink that came out before her that looked quite slim."
*takes slow, meditative breath* There are so many levels to this statement that I have to break it down into bite-sized pieces... First and foremost, her body/appearance/weight (or that of any woman) is none of his or anyone else's business. Secondly, she (nor any other woman) does not owe it to him or anyone else to appear "slim" or whatever he believes to be a "more favorable" appearance. His comments also insinuate that there is something inherently wrong with being heavier or gaining weight (which is problematic at best in and of itself, but I will have to save that rant for another time). Additionally, he appears to objectify another woman albeit with a less negative connotation, but I must reiterate that does not negate the validity of the harm that is caused by this type of behavior.
But the crux of the matter is how publicly and nonchalantly he made these comments—how emboldened and entitled he felt to do so—and towards the Governor of our state and an elected official of his own party for that matter. That can only leave one to speculate how he interacts with and speaks about women in his day to day life. But again, neither he nor this occurrence is a rarity. We know these incidents too well and too often because too many men just like him have engaged in this type of behavior without impunity for far too long. And the offense is often compounded by weak-ass apologies and/or the use of their relationships with women in their lives as some kind of Captain America-style Sexism Shield (i.e. "I have a wife/daughter/mother/sister/aunt/etc. that I love and respect so much."). Let me be abundantly clear: If you only respect women with whom you have a relationship or find attractive, or if that respect is based on a woman's relationship to other men (i.e. "She's someone's wife/daughter/mother/sister/aunt/etc."), YOU. DO. NOT. RESPECT. WOMEN. So please miss me with any and ALL of that.
“Sometimes it is subtle and indirect—like an offhand comment or "joke". But subtlety does not negate the validity of the harm that is caused by this type of behavior.”
Are there times when the offender is genuinely unaware that their behavior or comments are inherently sexist or misogynistic? Sure. But that doesn't make it any less problematic or wrong. And that is why it is imperative that we call out this behavior when we experience it or observe it. The greater call to action though is for men to start taking accountability and viewing their behaviors and the effects thereof through a different lens. To the men—I challenge you to be more critical in terms of how you speak to and about women... Is it relative to the topic at hand? Could it be perceived as harmful or sexist? Would you say/do it to a male peer? To continue to disregard and excuse this type of behavior or chalk it up to "just a silly/dumb comment" and not call it out for what it is—MISOGYNY—is to be complicit in and perpetuate the behavior.
But as upsetting and infuriating as this issue is, these stories are also showing us that this behavior is becoming tolerated less and less. And although I cannot speak on behalf of an entire generation of women, may I be so audacious to say that misogynists and those who worship at the altar of the patriarchy have officially been put on notice. Of course I don't mean that to be derogatory...just an observation.
Just Say "Yes"
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
— Dale Carnegie
Yesterday's MY BODY, MY CHOICE rally was brimming with so many emotions: anger, excitement, fear, courage, frustration, hope. So many amazing people of all genders, races, religions, ages, identities, backgrounds, cultures, and walks of life showed up at Butler Green to have their voices heard and to stand in solidarity with one another—friends and strangers alike—and it was truly a thing of beauty.I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to speak at this event. And although I still hold the same beliefs on this issue today that I have my whole life, 10 years ago...5 years ago...hell, 2 years ago, I would have never had the courage to speak publicly like this. (Fun fact: I would have failed my public speaking class in college if it hadn't been for A) it being a summer class; B) my professor's pity.) But when asked, I said "yes"...because saying "yes" has been what has gotten me to where I am today.Before 2017, I had zero political background, zero political experience, zero political education. I had no reason to believe that there was a place for me in this world or that I had anything to contribute to it. But I was lucky to have amazing people believe in me, and when opportunities presented themselves, I then had the audacity to believe in myself and say "yes."I say all this to tell you that not only are politics vital to all of us, but also there is a place for you, too, in this realm—there is a place for all of us. And there needs to be. It doesn't matter your age or experience or where you come from or your level of education—your perspective and ideas and voice are needed and necessary.And that was the message I wanted to convey yesterday—one that would encourage you to also step outside of your comfort zone and find ways to get involved. Because you have it in you and the opportunities are there...you just have to say "yes."
Below is the text of MY SPEECH, as well as links to local/statewide progressive political organizations to help you find your place and how you can get involved.
"Today we’re going to be hearing from some incredible advocates and activists, but I’m here to talk to you all about the political aspect. Now, I don’t want to stand up here and bore you with a bunch of numbers and data—that’s not my style—but I have to cite these very important ones: The female population in AL: 51%Do you know what the percentage is of female members of the AL House? 17%And the percentage of the female members of the AL Senate? 11% Just think about that for a second: 51% population, but only 17% and 11% representation. Advocacy for reproductive rights is incredibly vital—but so is supporting and electing candidates who will listen to those advocates and implement the policies that will support reproductive rights. This means supporting PROGRESSIVE candidates. And more specifically, supporting progressive FEMALE candidates. And even more specifically, supporting MARGINALIZED female progressive candidates. We saw a huge rise nationwide in progressives, women, women of color, and LGBTQ+ persons running for office last year. And here in Alabama, we, too, saw a rise in progressive, women, and women of color candidates running for office—locally and statewide. I was actually lucky enough to act as the campaign manager for the amazing Amy Wasyluka’s State Senate campaign. And the data shows that in a community when women are uplifted and empowered, the community as a whole thrives. And when progressive women are elected to office, they put forward and support legislation that supports and protects women. If I could encourage you to do anything today, it would be to not let the fear of not knowing about politics keep you from getting involved. I promise you—no one knew less about politics than I did 2½ years ago. You don’t have to come from a family of politicians or have a degree in Political Science to be involved in politics, you just have to be a citizen of the world who cares about what’s going on in your community and a desire to make a difference. And there are SO many ways to get involved: You could run for office, or encourage a friend to run. If running for office isn’t an option, then find a candidate you support and volunteer for them. Get involved with a local political or activist organization. Support organizations like Persistence PAC and Emerge AL who are doing work to financially support and train progressive female candidates here in Alabama. Call, write, or meet with your representatives to let them know where you stand on this issue and hold them accountable. Remember: they. work. for. you. Talk to your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers about the issues you care about—like reproductive rights—and use your personal relationships and experiences to help them understand why it’s so critical and why they should support candidates who also find it critical. Make sure that you and everyone you know is registered. to. vote. Whether big or small, we all have a place in politics and a role to play—there is a place for you—you just have to show up. In closing, I want to leave you with this: Regardless of how messy and frustrating and overwhelming as it can be, we no longer have the luxury to not care when it comes to politics. Elections have consequences, and the passing of this abortion ban is proof of that. So I urge you, when you go home today—go home with a sense of hope, but also with a sense of purpose...go home feeling inspired, but also empowered to be the change...go home angry, but also with a plan of action. But please, PLEASE...do not just go home. Because hope and inspiration and anger without action is just that. Today we have proven in the most spectacular way what a group of empowered women and allies with a sense of purpose and a plan of action can do in a very short amount of time. We can be the difference—and if we keep fighting the good fight—we most certainly will be. Thank you."
(Originally published May 20, 2019)
Finding My Voice in the Perfect Storm
"Let us have faith in each other. Let us not grow weary. Let us not lose heart. For there are more seasons to come...and more work to do." — Hillary R. Clinton
It's been one year. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. And when I think back on this time last year, those visceral feelings come rushing right back as though it were yesterday... The panic. The disbelief. The anger. The sorrow. I got caught in a tailspin of emotions and was left feeling hopeless.And then came the phone call from my grandmother—words which I will carry with me for the rest of my life: "Honey, I know you're sad. We all are. But you're only allowed to be sad for so long...then you have to do something. So what are you going to do?" I knew she was right...but I didn't have an answer. I had just turned 30 years old, and I had never been politically active in my life, nor did I know anyone who was. So I made the typical Millennial move—#GoogleIt—and there it was: Madison County Democratic Women. And that's where it all began...
Before I knew it, I was being embraced by this force and found myself saying "Yes!" to everything. I was busy—I joined several organizations and multiple committees. I was meeting people—I met so many people from different backgrounds and generations and walks of life that I probably never would have otherwise met. I was doing things I had never fathomed I would do—I marched. I protested. I put signs in my yard and magnets on my car and dedicated a portion of my closet to statement tees. I was feeling that force become a part of me...or was I becoming a part of it?
As I reflect back on this past year, it was most certainly a whirlwind. It was at times frustrating and stressful and even down-right maddening. But there were many more moments that were educational and inspiring and, honestly, just a whole lot of fun. I learned so much about the world and myself this year...from complacency and advocacy to apathy and empathy. I got to hear from people I greatly admire and even meet some of them. And I have formed some of the greatest friendships that I know I will cherish all the days of my life.
And in that reflection, I can't help but think about all the things that had to happen to get me to where I am today...to this very moment—from moving back home to work flexibility to the (hellacious) election to joining the right groups with the right people at the right time. You see, I had always had thoughts and opinions and ideas about the world and politics—but it wasn't until this perfect storm that I truly found my voice to put thoughts to words, and in turn, those words to action...
And I am then left wondering: "Is this a new version of myself that I have become?" or "Has this always been a part of me that I've just been too afraid to embrace?" Perhaps it's a little bit of both, but that doesn't really matter. What I do know and what does matter is that those feelings I was so deeply consumed by this time last year have been replaced with: panicCalm. disbeliefBelief. angerPassion. sorrowHope. Whether it was there all along or a recent discovery, I am better now than I was then. I still have so much more to learn and to do, but I am hopeful for the future and excited for this new season of my life.
I would encourage anyone reading this to not wait for some catastrophic occurrence to start caring or speaking out or doing something to better the world around you, but if it does—always keep your eyes, ears, heart, and mind open. Because who knows...you may one day find yourself caught up in your own perfect storm, and you don't want to miss your shot to find the voice you never knew you had. Now that I have found my voice, I don't plan on being quiet anytime soon...or throwing away my shot...
"...I’m past patiently waitin’ // I’m passionately // Smashin’ every expectation // Every action’s an act of creation! // I’m laughin’ in the face of casualties and sorrow // For the first time, I’m thinkin’ past tomorrow // And I am not throwin' away my shot...”
— Hamilton: An American Musical
(Originally published November 15, 2017)
I Can't Keep Quiet
"I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't."
— Audre Lorde
Let me start by clarifying something...
FEMINISM:
(n.) fem·i·nism \ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm\ 1) the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes; 2) organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests.
Ok, now that we've cleared that up...
Regardless of your personal feelings, this past weekend's Women's March was a historic HERstoric day—millions of women (and men) gathered together in solidarity across the nation AND world with the main focus being love, equality, and a willingness to stand up for what is right. I was fortunate to be a part of this beautiful movement, and I came home with this incredible high of empowerment and hope for a better tomorrow. And then, as it tends to do, reality set in.
I scrolled through my social media pages that were (gloriously) flooded with positive photos, articles, and stories about the Women's March on Washington and all of its sister cities...that was then abruptly and brutally cut by anti-March posts. I gasped. I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of someone being AGAINST this movement—a peaceful, inclusive movement—especially those who were women.
.Why?! How?!
I could feel this tinge in my heart reading these words of disgust and disapproval. Questions began to swirl in my mind: "Do they not understand what this was about? That it wasn't ONLY about women, but also rights for LGBTQ+, immigrants, Muslims, working-class, poor, education, and the environment?? Do they not know the difference between 'whining' and 'activism'???"
With all of these thoughts bouncing around in my head, I decided to take the time to read and re-read these negative posts in order to gain some sort of perspective as to where these comments were coming from. I had to keep in mind that these people have the same right to an opinion and a voice that I do, and they, too, deserved to be heard. And after careful review and quite a bit of processing and reflection, this is my personal observation and understanding as to why these people feel that the Marches are wrong/unnecessary/anti-men/whining/pointless/etc.:
These individuals do not feel that they are victims and/or have not been victimized. These individuals feel that they are equal in every way. These individuals do not feel that any of their rights or freedoms are being threatened. These individuals feel respected as men/women and humans. These individuals have never felt discriminated against or marginalized. These individuals have never felt like second-class citizens. These individuals feel that because Americans by birth are given more freedoms than those of other countries, that should be enough. These individuals don't believe climate change is a pressing issue. These individuals are more concerned with economic issues than social issues.
Notice I did not say, "Those who didn't participate in or support the March are sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, gun-toting, woman-hating, anti-feminists!" Because they are not one and the same. Just as those who did participate in these Marches aren't "men-hating, police-degrading, gay-agenda-pushing, handout-taking, godless baby-killing socialists" (to put it lightly, just based on things I've read). The main problem on this one particular matter isn't that one side is "bad" or "wrong"...the problem is that we don't understand each other.
If you are anti-March, I do not hold any ill will towards you—because I know the root of why is that you don't understand it. If you can relate/identify with the paragraph above, then I truly and sincerely congratulate you. I wish there were more people who felt the way you do. But unfortunately, there are not.
In fact, there are far too many who have felt victimized, discriminated against, threatened to have their rights and freedoms taken away, scared for their future/the future of their children/the future of the planet, and harassed solely for loving who they love or being who they are.
And with an administration that has built its platform on these very fears, the gesture had to be BIG and it had to be NOW.
And honestly, I myself identify with a few of those statements—as a straight, white, cisgender, middle-class, educated, American-born woman, that is part of my privilege. And there is nothing wrong with being born privileged (I repeat, there is nothing wrong with being born white/Christian/straight/American/privileged/etc.), as it cannot be helped...just as it cannot be helped to be born less privileged. The privilege itself is not what matters—what matters is what you DO with that privilege. And by that, I mean you essentially have two options:
1) you can use your privilege to help those less fortunate; or
2) you can live life under the motto: "If it's not a problem for me, then it's not a problem."
If you fall under the first category, then I think we're good here. If you fall in or around #2, then Imma need you to have several seats and listen up...
I get it. Truly, I do. Because I used to be like you: I used to live in my own little world and worry only about myself and those closest to me. "Racism isn't a thing anymore, right? I mean, I'M not racist, and I've never really experienced anyone else being racist. So...everything must be cool on that front."
And yet, I've never seen a million dollars in my life, but I'm pretty sure it's safe to say millionaires do exist. Let me put it to you this way... "OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND" DOES NOT APPLY HERE.
Just because you haven't personally experienced something, doesn't mean that it's not happening around you or that it's not a problem.
Have I personally experienced racism? No. But I have seen it firsthand and have had African-American friends tell me horror stories of situations that they have endured. Am I personally worried about having my marriage rights revoked? No. But I do worry that my best friend may lose his right to marry the man of his dreams. Do I personally fear being shipped off to another country? No. But I do fear for my friends who may have been born here, but risk losing their parents to deportation. I finally had my "wake up call"—hopefully this can help serve as yours.
Although there are things that I selfishly fear for myself (women's health, education, equal pay, etc.), this March was never about me...or you for that matter. This was about something far bigger than myself or any one person. This was about walking the walk. This was about taking a stand for something I have always believed in, but was either too apathetic or too afraid to speak up. But then I realized that feeling compassion and empathy is only half the battle—you also have to SHOW it. I know the world can be a scary place that can cause you to become cynical. And I know it's so much easier to sit in the comfort of your home behind your keyboard and criticize those who are actively trying to make a difference. But if you TRULY want this country to be great, you have to put in the work. You have to be willing to look past your front door, get out into the world, talk to people who aren't like you, and put out what you hope to receive.
These past few months have shaken me to my very core, and I have decided that I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...but I am going to change the things I can no longer accept.
I cannot accept injustice—and I won't. I cannot accept inequality—and I won't. I cannot accept hate speech—and I won't. I cannot accept "alternative facts"—and I won't. I cannot keep quiet—and I won't.
(Originally published January 23, 2017)
No Dress Code Required
"She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future."
— Proverbs 31:25
I'm not usually one for "social media rants/posts," so I decided to take my views to the blogosphere (also because who wants to read a 3 page-long Facebook post? *eye roll*). But I read an article this morning that really resonated with me, as it is an issue I have felt very strongly about since I was a young teen. And although I highly disagree with most of the views within the article (Ms. Erykah Badu's, to be exact), I do agree that it is a topic that deserves more conversation among ourselves as adults and with our children/youth in general.
Let me start by saying as I am not a perfect adult, I was also not a perfect child/teenager/etc. But as a teenager, I have to say I wasn't too bad, generally speaking. I was an athlete, I had a good group of friends, I was involved in several school organizations, I made good grades, and I rarely got into trouble. But the few times I remember getting into trouble at school was always for...my attire. Either my shorts were "too short", a sliver of my mid-drift would show if I reached over my head, or the straps of my shirt were "too narrow". Several times my mom would have to leave work to bring me clothes to change into, or I would be forced to wear my sweaty gym shirt for the remainder of the day. I would ask the teachers, and even the principal, why this was made such a big deal, and all they could tell me was, "Those are just the rules." When I posed the same question to my mom, she basically said, "I guess it's because they feel it could be 'too distracting’ to the boys in class." And my immediate reaction was: "Well, shouldn't that be THEIR problem, not mine?"
And shouldn't it be? Why does society feel it is our responsibility as females to "protect" males from their own "lustful desires"? Instead of talking to our young men and raising them in such a way to see women as more than sexual objects, we find it more appropriate to throw blankets over our young women and shove them into these "appropriate boxes" filled with shame, insecurity, and self-deprecation. In 2016, doesn't that seem like such an archaic ideology?
Some people may argue (as Ms. Badu does throughout the article) that it is more so to "protect our youth," but again, I disagree with this point. Because in my experience, it had an adverse effect on me. Although these instances initially made me feel ashamed and guilty, those feelings would later shift into feelings of hyper-sexualization, as though that were my main purpose on this earth—to attract male attention. And if I didn't do that, well then I must not be "worthy" or "woman enough." Basically, my thirteen-year-old thought process was, "Oh, so boys are only looking at me and being nice to me because they find me physically attractive? And even more so if I wear some clothes that are a little more revealing?? And so if I ever want a boyfriend, this is how I need to dress and act in order to get a boy to like me??? I can do that!" (Poor, poor little thirteen-year-old Lisa...)
But this is the message we are sending to our daughters and sisters and nieces—by doing this, we are saying to them, "YOUR identity is mostly based on your physical appearance and sexuality and YOU are the problem and it is YOUR responsibility!" Instead of empowering our young women by teaching them to use their brains, to know their worth, and to own their sexuality, we are perpetuating the idea that a female is not only defined by her outward appearance, but she should also tailor that appearance to society's views of what is deemed "appropriate" or "fitting". We are living in an age of Beyoncés and Hillarys and Oprahs, where women are finally coming to the forefront in all different fields and female empowerment is a growing movement...and then here we are taking 12 steps back by telling our young women, "You can do anything and be anything in this world—as long as you dress appropriately and don't distract the boys in the process."
It wasn't until my mid-20's that I finally had a breakthrough and was able to break away from these imposed notions. If I wanted to wear a pencil skirt with a silk blouse and heels to work, it wasn't to impress my boss. If I wanted to wear a form-fitting dress and some lipstick for a night out, it wasn't to attract a man. I wore it because I liked it...because it made me feel good...because it expressed my personality and mood at that moment. The clothes didn't change—my attitude and perspective did. It took me 25+ years to finally take back and own my sexuality and cultivate my identity as a woman. I am still a work in progress and learning every day, but I can at least say that I love myself, unabashedly and unapologetically.
And don't you want that for your daughter...for your sister...for your niece…for yourself? I know I do. And whether it's my teenage sisters or (God willing) my future daughter, I want them to grow up in a world where they don't feel defined by the bearing of their shoulders or the hemline of their skirts. I want them to be able to look at themselves in the mirror and love themselves for their thoughts, their talents, their aspirations, their hearts, their compassion, and yes—even their bodies. I want them to focus on their goals and dreams and desires...not what others' opinions or perceptions of them may be. I never want them to ever feel as though they need to cover themselves up or dumb themselves down for anything or anyone. That's the world I wish for more than anything for these young women in our world and for those to come—freedom to explore and express all parts of themselves without hesitation or fear of judgment.
That is the future I pray for. For my sisters and my nieces and my cousins and my future daughter—and for yours. But again, it is not only up to us to empower our young women, but also it is our responsibility to educate our young men on how to respect themselves and young women. So let's make sure we're doing our part to make a better future for our youth—no dress code required.
(Originally published April 12, 2016)